I want to cry.

Once again, due to my emotions, I am copy and pating. I apologize to my JM readers.

IUI #1 failed. AF just showed. :cry:

DH wants to try unmedicated this cycle so that we can financially catch up. I really don't want to wait, but I understand his point. I hate this.

This means that we won't stand a chance at having a baby by our second wedding anniversary. It also means we won't even be pregnant of the fourth anniversary of starting this journey. FOUR freaking years. My niece (who was an accident and born after my THIRD miscarriage) will be TWO before we have one.

Change of plans...again

The RE said the lining was nice and thick (12mm)...any one know what's considered normal?

He was very pleased with the follies. I had two on the left measuring 29mm and 30mm and one on the right at 22mm.

However, I did get some bad news. The post-coital test was awful. Pretty much all of the sperm were dead. :cry: I feel like such a failure. I feel...betrayed. First I got pregnant really easily. Heck, Dominic was a bcp baby. I just couldn't carry. Then my body decided to stop ovulating. I got over that with the theory at least we'll still be conceiving at home...even if we need meds to get me there. But now my body decides to KILL the sperm. Really, is this some sort of cruel joke? Because, I'm not finding it at all funny.

So, anyway, our plan very quickly changed. We're triggering at home tonight (instead of in office this morning) and going in Friday for an IUI. Luckily DH has to do some work that requires the network to go offline so he had scheduled to work Friday night for today. (As opposed to his usual just switching days which wouldn't have allowed for the IUI.)

I feel as though I'm grieving in a way. Grieving my "natural" conception. Betrayed by the fact that my body can't do a single thing right. Terrified, knowing that even if we do conceive on this plan, there is no assurance that I'm even going to be able to carry the pregnancy to term. We never did get an answer about WHY I kept miscarrying.

This is our last ditch effort. We've already agreed no IVF. If this doesn't work, we're done. (Of course, I don't know how many IUIs we'll agree too...)

TMI: Too Much Information

No, that's not a warning. What I mean is, I've come to learn that there really is such a thing. Again, I don't mean talking about how heavy your period is or what your cervical mucus is like, or even when you had sex. That's all part of being on a forum with women who are trying to conceive.

I love the women on JM. They're a huge support. But sometimes, I feel that I learn too much from them. For example, I now know that stillbirths aren't a thing of the past and the can and DO happen. I have this HUGE list in my head of things that can go wrong during a pregnancy, during a birth, and after birth. I know about the meds I'm on, when to expect which side effect, etc. Thanks to my JM ladies I have been able to have intelligent, informed conversations with my doctor. I have known what to ask him, what to expect, what monitoring should be done and when. They have prepared me in a way I never would have been able to prepare myself.

However, at times I wonder if I know too much. I spend my whole cycle worrying. "Will my meds work? Will the side effects be worse this month? How much worse? Did they work? Was that ovulation pain? It's too soon for that. Better go pee on a stick and see. Good it wasn't ovulation. Wait...what was it then? Is it a cyst? Did I not release last month? Is that why we didn't conceive? Does that mean this month was a waste of $200? Is my lining thick enough? What about my cervical mucus? Will that be better than last month?" That's just my worries up til now this month. If Wednesday's appointment goes well then there will be a whole new set of worries? "Did we have sex enough? Was it at the right time? Were sperm able to reach the egg(s)? Is the trigger gone? Is that nausea? Morning sickness? Flu? Wait, my breasts hurt, what's that mean? I just yelled at Chris...is that hormones or am I just being bitchy? Is that two lines? Am I seeing things?" Then if we are pregnant: "Do we tell people? Is this really our rainbow baby? Is that spotting? Was that that a cramp? Could it be happening a fifth time? Is the Heparin working? Can we find a heartbeat?" You get the picture. I just wish that sometimes I could be worry free and not think about all that comes with trying to conceive with medical assistance.

Update

This month the RE decided to up my dose. Apparently, this is standard for him if you don't conceive first try on the med. I'm not sure I like that practice, but agreed to give it a shot since he's known in the community as "the Miracle worker". We have a follicle scan on Weds. to check my progress.

Meds this month (Cycle #5 of Clomid, #25 of actively trying):
Clomid: 100mg
Mucinex: 1800mg
Novarel: 10000miu
Prenatal Vitamin
B6
B12

Let's home it works!

Cycle one of Clomid, Musinex, and trigger has been deemed a failure. :'( I had so much hope this cycle. I even prayed every day "Please Lord, let this work. Give us our rainbow baby." It feels like a slap in the face. Seventeen days. Seventeen days after trigger before AF came. I was considering calling today anyway for betas. Instead, I get to call for my med schedule.

For some reason this month is so much more heartbreaking than the others. I don't know if it's because I allowed myself to get my hopes up so high or if it's because I had faith that my prayers would be answered. Maybe it's that this month/this last cycle marks the end of year three of us trying. Whatever the cause, I noticed that it seemed harder on Chris as well.

In the four years since our first loss, I have never seen Chris look so deflated. It broke my heart. He looked as though he were fighting back tears. He managed to hold it together though. At one point, I asked him how he managed to stay so strong. He told me he didn't know. Then he said "I guess it's because I don't let myself get my hopes up. :( He should have to have that as a defense mechanism.

I hate this! It shouldn't be this damn hard to have a kid.

Overdue update

I know, I should have posted two weeks ago. Unfortunately, life happened. Since my last update we've attended two parties, thrown one, and have been told my brother has cancer. In all the craziness, I haven't had time to update.

The meds went well. Clomid had little side effects this month, though I know it builds in the system so the longer I'm on it the worse it gets. The Mucinex was very annoying but tolerable. The HCG had no side effects on than tenderness at the injection sight. The day of the injection I went to the doctor for a follicle scan and lining check. (Clomid is known to thin the uterine lining.) My lining was nice and thick. I had two follicles that would release; one on each ovary. Their measurements were 23mm and 30mm. Anything over 20mm will release.

I did not chart this month or do much of anything to track ovulation. I meant to, but just never got around to it. Regardless, I have a basic idea when it was because of the meds and scan.

That brings us to now. Now, we wait. I have some possible early pregnancy signs: irritibility, my normal early pg cold, my breasts hurt...but I know that these may be nothing too. I'm due to start any day. (Again, due to not pinpointing ovulation I cannot say for certain when my period is due.) Dr. I said that if I didn't start by today he would do a pregnancy test. However, knowing my body and the games it likes to play, Chris and I have decided to wait until Friday morning to call him.

New plan :)

Yesterday we had an appointment with Dr. I again. Overall, I feel it was a good appointment. I had hope to get him to agree to put me on Femara. That didn't happen though. He apparently won't use it now that the black box warning is there. (Which I find odd since he doesn't agree with the warning!)

Anyway, on cycle day 1, I am to call to find out which days he wants me to take the Clomid. I'll start it somewhere between days 3-5. Basically it will depend on days of the week. I'll take the Clomid for 5 days, just like last time. The Clomid will block Estrogen receptors which will make my body produce FSH which I need to ovulate.

On the same day I start Clomid, I will start Mucinex. I will take this 3 times a day up until my next appointment. This is to thin my cervical mucous in hopes of making a more sperm-friendly environment.

One week after I complete the round of Clomid I go in for an ultrasound and post-coital test. The ultrasound will check the number of follicles I have and their size. The post-coital test will look at how the sperm and cervical mucous are interacting. (i.e. Are Chris's sperm able to live in my CM and swim through it?)

After the appointment, if all looks good we'll trigger with HCG. From my understanding this will trigger the release of the egg.

Dr. I feels confident that we can safely to 5 cycles like this if need be. Personally, I'm hoping not to take that long. :)

Tuesday

I have called and set up an appointment for next Tuesday with the RE. I'm slightly nervous that the appointment won't go well...Tuesday is already going to be a rough day as it's the day Jillian would have been due.

I realized this at the time I scheduled the appointment, but now I'm wondering if it was such a good idea after all. What if I go and for some reason we leave without a plan?

HSG and Femera

I just got through posting this on my support board so since I'm hurting, I'm just going to C&P instead of typing a separate blog.

It wasn't nearly as bad as I expected...though it was definitely uncomfortable. The biggest annoyance was that he kept telling me to "relax." Yea, dude, let me do this to you and YOU relax! lol

I'm still crampy but it's not even as bad as my period cramps. (Disclaimer: AF cramps usually result in me being curled up in a ball with no meds helping!) We even ran errands after the appointment and went to taco bell! Going to MIL's tonight for dinner for BIL's belated bday dinner. (I wouldn't wanna cook anyway.)

As for Fermera, I did ask him about that. He didn't seem like he wouldn't but wants me to think on it some and come in to discuss options more thoroughly first. He did tell me that the FDA has required Femera to add a "Black Box Warning" stating that there have been a reported increase of birth abnormalities. BUT there are several things to look at.

1. Femera was created at a breast cancer drug. Woman reporting this COULD be breast cancer patients who are also on other drugs and are taking Femera for a longer time period. Really, in using Femera for infertility, the drug SHOULD be out of your system by the time the baby is developing. Therefore, this could likely be the case.
2. The US is the only country to have reported this. (Canada and at least one other--don't remember which--also use Femera for infertility and have not seen this.)
3. Woman using Femera for infertility could likely have some genetic issues anyway that could cause abnormalities. There's no way of knowing if it's the undetected genetic issue or if it's Femera.

Given this, we are going to research a bit more, but are likely to request the Femera anyway. Oh, and btw, the HSG was normal. No blockages, no scar tissue!

Change of Plans...again

Once again, it's been a while since I've posted. Since my last post, Chris and I have been relaxing on the trying to conceive front. No temping, no charting, no opks, no meds, nothing. Just sex whenever the mood struck. And to prove my response to all those that have said "Relax and you'll get your baby" we have not conceived. In fact, I didn't even ovulate last month. (I know, you're thinking "how can she possibly know that if she's not monitoring her cycle.) I became fairly certain I didn't ovulate when my period came three days early and was light for one day before being done. How is relaxing going to get me anywhere if my body doesn't freaking work!?!

So, now onto what we're going to do. At my last RE appointment Dr. I informed me that if we weren't pregnant on our own be October that we would move to injectibles. Despite my fear of shots, I was excited to be moving forward next month.

In preparation, Chris and I talked a lot about it and we decided that we weren't comfortable moving forward with treatment until I had an HSG to check for any scarring from the infection or from our losses. After much procrastination, I called and requested this painful test. It is scheduled for Monday, Sept 20th at 8am.

While on the phone, I asked about the cost of the Bravelle and Hcg trigger. She told me that they would cost $950+ a cycle! I was devastated. I have been unemployed for a year. There is no way we can afford that. I managed to hold it together until I got off the phone and had a major breakdown. I posted on my support boards in the midst of the breakdown and, as usual, the women were amazing. Not only did the lift my spirits, they managed to renew hope. At the suggestion of a woman on the Trying to Conceive with Medical Assistance board (followed up by my own research of course) we have decided to insist on Femera. Femera is similar to the Clomid I have taken in the past but studies have proven it to be more effective. In addition, the biggest concern I had when on Clomid doesn't apply to Femera.

That about concludes this update. I will post again within the next week.

Today's RE appointment

I can't say I was surprised, though I was disappointed. Dr. Irianni does feel that there is a genetic cause for our losses (just not one that shows up on the tests). Basically, we have to just keep trying and hope for the best.

He did say he thinks there is an ovulatory issue. However, he's not willing to do anything about that until October. *sigh* I'm getting really sick of this waiting game!

Wow, I'm a horrible blogger!

Sorry, I'm so lax with this!

Anyway, updates:

The tests done the day of my last appointment were negative (i.e. NORMAL). The doctor was able to get our insurance company to agree to pay for the karyotyping. Again, it came back normal. This was both a relief and a frustration. We are relieved that there's not a genetic issue, but frustrated because we still do not have answers. Last Wednesday, I had my CD3 blood work done. I don't have those results yet but go back to the RE on Friday. I have to admit, I'm nervous. I don't know what to expect. I'm terrified that I will go in and hear "I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do for you."

My RE appointment

I don't know where to begin. The appointment took two hours! We went over my history and answered a lot of questions for him. He asked me to try to find out more about DH's family history because several of his aunts have suffered from RPL.

He went into great detail about the different possible causes. He told me that he doesn't believe the MTHFR is what caused my losses. He thinks that our issue is chromosomal. However, he can't test for that just yet. He had me go today for some bloodwork (which took an additional 40 minutes!). Today's test included checking my homocystine levels (which I wanted done anyway), antithrombin III activity, Protein S, and Protein C. All have to do with clotting disorders. (The homocystine should have been checked when it came back that I had MTHFR.)

As for the HSG/possible endo, I didn't bring it up. He seemed pretty confident that I don't have any issues anatomically...

We talked about DH's testosterone (which was never forwarded to him) and the SA results. The RE wasn't that concerned with DH's testosterone. Morphology is low, but the other numbers were good enough that he doesn't think that it's an issue at all.

So where does that leave us? At this point we've been ordered to NOT conceive. On CD 3 next month I have to go and have four more tests done: estradiol, FSH, LH, and anti-mullerian hormone.

The tests today were more to appease the insurance company and convince them the karyotyping is needed. The CD 3 tests are to try to figure out why my visits from AF are so short. Once given the clear to ttc, (as long as the tests are fine) he's not going to want to intervene to assist in getting pregnant.

He also told me to stop the baby aspirin. He said that when I get pregnant he's going to put me on Heparin immediately.

I am left with mixed feelings. He definitely seems informed and I have heard a ton of good things about him. But, we don't have a plan...we don't have anything concrete. In a way, I feel like we left with less answers than we went with...

Oh, and one last thing: he said my uterus is not tilted like the OB said. Of course, the one OB is the only one who's ever said anything about it being tilted...

And here we go again: Month #7

AF showed today. That means we are indeed seeing the new doctor on Monday and having more testing done. Chris went to a local urologist (in hopes of speeding things up) a few weeks ago. The urologist has determined that Chris has low testosterone and agreed to do a semen analysis (SA). The SA was today. We will have those results tomorrow.

I find myself looking forward to Monday. I want answers. I want a plan. I want to know what can and will be done to help us have a baby...

I knew blogging was a good idea!

After making my last post I decided to go back and read my previous posts. In doing so, I came across this post. In the post I mentioned an infection that I had in the past and about how my OB didn't think that it was an issue. I'm starting to think he was wrong. I think I do have a blockage in my left tube caused by the infection that went undiagnosed for a year. The OB didn't think that was the case because we've been pregnant, but it's possible that those were cycle in which I ovulated on the right side.

During the course of the infection all of the pain was on the left side. All of the issues I've had with cysts have been on the left side. Could this be because the egg has nowhere to go?

Now, while scared (I know the procedures to diagnose and fix this are painful), I have a bit of renewed hope. I hate this rollercoaster, but maybe, just maybe we're nearing the end.

Giving up hope...

That's what I feel like doing. Yet again, we're not pregnant. Yesterday, I made the heart-wrenching call asking for more clomid--more torture. The doctor agreed to call it in one last time but he thinks I need a new doctor. I want to cry; I did cry. My insurance won't pay for infertility. I'm really not at all hopeful that this new doctor will be able to help me any more than the last.

I started looking into Virginia's foster-to-adopt program today. (It's the only way we can afford to adopt.) I want a child oh-so-badly, but can I handle the heartache of fostering to adopt. Each child that comes into our home will have many emotional issues. They don't know love, care, not being abused. Each child we will love, care for, want to adopt. Sixty-six percent will go back home to their abusive, neglectful parents. Can I handle losing another child? Isn't losing four enough? Can I handle not getting the privelege of naming my own children? Can I handle never having a baby in my home? (Most foster children are school aged.) Not to mention, we want to homeschool. Will that even be an option for us?

I hate this. I hate that the only way I see for us to become parents won't allow me to parent the way we want. I hate that drug addicts, child abusers, and just plain assholes get to be parents but I don't!

I've been horrible at keeping up with this...

This month has been uneventful...other than the Clomid side effects, which are never ending. I'm 15 dpo today. Last cycle my LP was 16 days, so I'm not getting my hopes up yet.

For some reason, the past two days have been emotionally difficult. I really miss Jillian. I guess, it's finally hitting me or something...I would have been 13w today. I would be in the second trimester; just weeks away from the anatomy scan. I should still be breastfeeding Aiden...after all he'd only be 8 months old. I should have TWO toddlers running around.

Instead, I have none of that. I sit here with empty arms just waiting for my period to show so I can call the doctor and start the torture that is Clomid. Of course, maybe we'll get lucky and she won't show. Then we get to sit and wonder if the baby's still alive--if I'll start bleeding at any moment, repeating the process for a fifth time...

It's been a while...

I have been really bad about updating.

In my last post, I stated that we have entered the world of trying to conceive with medical assistance. On day 23 of my cycle last month I was to have my progesterone levels checked. I later found out that they were looking for a 15 to show a good ovulation. When my nurse called with the results, I was a big ball of nerves. She proceeded to tell me that my levels were "very high" and they were "pretty sure" that I was pregnant. She informed me that they wanted me to come in the next day for a blood test and then when it was positive (because they were sure it would be) they'd run my betas. (For those unfamiliar with betas, it's where they check my Hcg level {Hcg is the pregnancy hormone}.) She went on to explain that I would have to repeat the betas in a few days (to make sure my hcg levels were doubling every 48 hours). Halfway through the explanation she stopped and said "Wait, you already know this don't you." It was kind of funny, because well, I did know it. After three years, you learn a few things.

Anyway, I went in the next morning for my bloodwork, and much to everyone's surprise, the test was negative. Chris and I were heartbroken (again!) and went about our errands while we waited for the doctor to call. When doctor Leonard called, I could tell he was baffled. He still was not convinced that I wasn't pregnant. My progesterone levels were 68! when they were expecting a 15. He instructed me to come back in a week for a second blood test, because surely I'd be getting a positive by then. So we renewed a little hope, though not much. I started bleeding Saturday, I was never pregnant.

Monday morning, I called an let him know and got another prescription for Clomid. I started the pills Wednesday and the side effects kicked in within two hours. The mood swings haven't kicked in yet, but I'm sure they're coming.

When I talked to my doctor about the bloodwork, he'd made a comment about referring me to a specialist (i.e. Reproductive Endocrinologist) if "this keeps happening." Chris and I have decided that if we do not conceive this cycle we are going to request an RE. Next month will be our sixth month this time around and our last chance at a 2010 baby. Also, it will be our third medicated cycle and we're only allowed six before we have to give my body a break.

I've been putting this off...

The day after I posted the good new, we miscarried yet again. Jillian Evelyn went to be with her brothers and sister at 4w gestation on Jan 19, 2010.

The doctor put me on Clomid, a fertility drug to help make sure I ovulate since we're not sure I do on my own consistently. It went ok, with minimal side effects...I'll probably post more about that later. I go on the 10th for bloodwork to try and see if it worked.

Saturday was two years since Gwen went to Heaven. Surprisingly, I handled the day fairly well. We also told his family Saturday about our losses. I'm so glad it's finally out in the open!

Tomorrow is the third anniversary of Dominic's passing. I'm not sure how I'll handle it. It's hard to think that we've been on this journey for three years and all we have to show is a bag of baby stuff that's never been used and heavy hearts...

3w 6d

also known as 12 days past ovulation. :)

As most of you know (since I spammed JM already), I am pregnant. :D I feel very hopeful, yet terrified at the same time. I do have a good feeling about it though. I am already taking measures to help keep this baby. I'm going to do the rest of today's entry in a q&a style.

When are you due?
I haven't had my dating ultrasound yet but I believe I'm due on September 28th, the day after our wedding anniversary.

Any symptoms?
Slight nausea, fatigue, weird dreams, heartburn today with lunch, and a few hot flashes.

Do you have names picked?
We do, we will share them later.

Will you find out the gender?
YEP! I wanna know asap.

How did you tell Chris?
I bought a "daddy-to-be" card, had a friend's son (who's three) sign it and give it to him at work :)

"Stop Trying So Hard"

Really? There are two days a month that a woman can get pregnant. I'm supposed to stop tracking my cycle (therefore not knowing when the egg will be there) and hope for the best. What the hell? Yea me not knowing when to have sex so that the egg can be fertilized is going to fix it all. Yep, me not caring is going to get me pregnant and help me STAY pregnant. People are fucking stupid.