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We were married on September 27, 2009. We began our journey more than three years ago. We have had four losses to date and are still trying to conceive our sticky bean.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Giving up hope...

That's what I feel like doing. Yet again, we're not pregnant. Yesterday, I made the heart-wrenching call asking for more clomid--more torture. The doctor agreed to call it in one last time but he thinks I need a new doctor. I want to cry; I did cry. My insurance won't pay for infertility. I'm really not at all hopeful that this new doctor will be able to help me any more than the last.

I started looking into Virginia's foster-to-adopt program today. (It's the only way we can afford to adopt.) I want a child oh-so-badly, but can I handle the heartache of fostering to adopt. Each child that comes into our home will have many emotional issues. They don't know love, care, not being abused. Each child we will love, care for, want to adopt. Sixty-six percent will go back home to their abusive, neglectful parents. Can I handle losing another child? Isn't losing four enough? Can I handle not getting the privelege of naming my own children? Can I handle never having a baby in my home? (Most foster children are school aged.) Not to mention, we want to homeschool. Will that even be an option for us?

I hate this. I hate that the only way I see for us to become parents won't allow me to parent the way we want. I hate that drug addicts, child abusers, and just plain assholes get to be parents but I don't!

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