Cycle one of Clomid, Musinex, and trigger has been deemed a failure. :'( I had so much hope this cycle. I even prayed every day "Please Lord, let this work. Give us our rainbow baby." It feels like a slap in the face. Seventeen days. Seventeen days after trigger before AF came. I was considering calling today anyway for betas. Instead, I get to call for my med schedule.

For some reason this month is so much more heartbreaking than the others. I don't know if it's because I allowed myself to get my hopes up so high or if it's because I had faith that my prayers would be answered. Maybe it's that this month/this last cycle marks the end of year three of us trying. Whatever the cause, I noticed that it seemed harder on Chris as well.

In the four years since our first loss, I have never seen Chris look so deflated. It broke my heart. He looked as though he were fighting back tears. He managed to hold it together though. At one point, I asked him how he managed to stay so strong. He told me he didn't know. Then he said "I guess it's because I don't let myself get my hopes up. :( He should have to have that as a defense mechanism.

I hate this! It shouldn't be this damn hard to have a kid.