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We were married on September 27, 2009. We began our journey more than three years ago. We have had four losses to date and are still trying to conceive our sticky bean.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Cycle one of Clomid, Musinex, and trigger has been deemed a failure. :'( I had so much hope this cycle. I even prayed every day "Please Lord, let this work. Give us our rainbow baby." It feels like a slap in the face. Seventeen days. Seventeen days after trigger before AF came. I was considering calling today anyway for betas. Instead, I get to call for my med schedule.

For some reason this month is so much more heartbreaking than the others. I don't know if it's because I allowed myself to get my hopes up so high or if it's because I had faith that my prayers would be answered. Maybe it's that this month/this last cycle marks the end of year three of us trying. Whatever the cause, I noticed that it seemed harder on Chris as well.

In the four years since our first loss, I have never seen Chris look so deflated. It broke my heart. He looked as though he were fighting back tears. He managed to hold it together though. At one point, I asked him how he managed to stay so strong. He told me he didn't know. Then he said "I guess it's because I don't let myself get my hopes up. :( He should have to have that as a defense mechanism.

I hate this! It shouldn't be this damn hard to have a kid.

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