Christmas

Another Christmas has come and gone; another holiday without my babies has passed. Like usual, I find myself looking back at how Christmas should have gone. I should have three kids celebrating. Dominic would be 26 months. Gwendolyn would be 17 months and Aiden would be a mere 5 months old. Yesterday, we would have celebrated at home as a family before going to my uncle's for dinner. Today we would have gone to our parents houses for Christmas. Instead, we celebrated with my niece at my mom's, went to his mom's, and then my uncle's. I miss my babies. I hate this...

Also, after some discussion, Chris and I have decided that even after ttc, I will continue the vitamins. MTHFR creates a deficiency, which is why I have to take them now. That deficiency isn't going to fix itself just because we're not trying for a baby. So I'll be taking four pills for the rest of my life. :(

I got my diagnosis.

I have two MTHFR mutations. I don't know which mutations yet. I asked and he just said he'd send it to me. This diagnosis comes with good and bad news.

The bad news is MTHFR can be very nasty.

Those with the mutation show a higher propensity for thrombosis (blood clots), arteriosclerosis (hardening of arteries), Alzheimer's, stroke, heart attack, Fibromyalgia, migraines (especially with "Aura" migraines), osteoporotic fractures, bone marrow disorders and for those of child bearing years, it has found to be connected to higher incidences of down's syndrome, spina bifida, other neural tube defects, trisomy, miscarriage, stillbirth, implantation failure, placental abruption, preeclampsia, higher incidences of autism, amongst others.

Source: http://www.fibromyalgia-symptoms.org/forums/Fibromyalgia_General_Discussion/MTHFR_Deficiency/

The good news is I have an answer and therefore a plan. I will be taking folic acid, B6, B12, and a prenatal vitamin daily. Once we're pregnant he said he'll start me on blood-thinners. However, Chris and I have decided to add a baby aspirin a day on our own. I have a hard time got positives on home pregnancy tests and we're worried about starting it too late and therefore losing another baby. Plus an aspirin a day will decrease my risk of a clot or stroke (since these mutations increases my chances).

This news is bittersweet. I am relieved to have an answer, a plan, hope. But I'm also scared and feeling guilty. I'm scared at the knowledge that we have a higher chance of having a special needs child. Don't get me wrong, we'll love our children just the same. We've even talked about adopting a special needs child, but I'm still scared. I feel guilty because we now know that it was a problem with MY BODY. I can't carry. It's my fault. How can I be smiling from relief and yet feel ready to burst into tears at any moment?

Two Years Ago

Two years ago, I was pregnant. Two years ago was the happiest time in my life. Chris and I chose to keep it a secret, only telling my employers because of the frequent bathroom trips I was having to make. Two years ago, I never would have imagined that I would be sitting here today, still "childless." Even when I miscarried her, I never imagined it'd take so long to actually have a baby.

Never in a million years did I think that we would have to seek fertility testing. I figured that when things calmed down, we'd conceive again and have our child. I didn't realize that I'd lose yet another baby just a few months later. As I sit here this evening, I look back on what should be. I shouldn't be on the computer. I should be getting two toddlers and an infant ready for bed! I should have three little ones by now. Instead, I sit here with empty arms waiting for morning to come so they can poke me again to take more blood for testing.

I sit here and I wonder why. Why me? (Why anybody?) What did I do so wrong that God feels I can't/shouldn't have a child?

Taboo

***Note: "You" in this blog is not a direct hit at anyone but rather a generalization of the public view.***


Why is pregnancy loss such a taboo subject? Why can't I talk about my kids? Because it makes you uncomfortable? Really, if this is the only reason you can give me, I have to say, I don't give a damn about your comfort.

One would think, given that I am going through fertility testing I would be allowed to talk about my angels. Yet, time and time again I am made to feel as if the subject is taboo. Even my husband clams up anytime our angels are brought up.

I am sick and tired of being made to feel as though my babies don't count. I am timed of not being allowed to talk about them. I am fed up with acting as if everything is ok. I am done.

I know by my not talking about them you can pretend they never existed. I know that nobody wants to hear about when I was pregnant, about my craving, about my morning sickness, or even my tender breasts. But why not? Is my experience somehow less important because my child isn't here with me?

Would you tell a mother who lost her child to cancer or in an accident not to talk about her child because it makes you uncomfortable? Would you want her to box those memories of the short time she had with her child and not share them No, you wouldn't. You'd want her to share. You'd want her to remember. Why should it be any different for me? Why should I have to be silent about the short time I had my angels here with me?

Today's appt

It started with the typical height/weight/bp. Then the nurse took me into doctor's actual office where we discussed the irregular cycles and my losses, etc. He never once mentioned Endo or PCOS, but did say right off the bat that we'd do bloodwork. I then went back into the exam room for the physical exam. He said that other than a tilted uterus, everything physically seemed normal. He had me get dressed and then we went back into the office to make sure there were no more concerns from DH and I. I must say, I was really impressed. I've never had a doctor's office allow so much time and be so willing to talk to me. After the second consult came the bloodwork. That did not go so well. She tried the left arm first and missed. She then went to the right arm and used a butterfly needle. She was able to get two vials of blood but she was moving the needle around the whole time. Therefore, she messed the vein up and stopped getting blood return. She ended up sticking me again in the left arm (with a butterfly needle) and wasn't able to get anything. Finally she gave up and told me to come back Monday for the rest of the tests (6 more vials).

They are testing my Thyroid. He thinks this may be what's causing my irregular cycles.
He said something about the possibility of my hormones not doing what they are supposed to. So they're looking into that.
They are testing for clotting disorders.
They are doing genetic testing.
They are also checking for Rh antibodies to determine if I need the Rhogam shot now or if it can wait.

He did say that there is not a cyst on my ovary (though, I swear it feels like there is). He said that he doesn't think I have any long-term effects from having an infection years ago that went undiagnosed for a year. He said that it's main effect is tubal blockage, but since eggs are getting by...

Overall, it will be a couple of weeks until I hear anything.

Thursday is approaching

I have an appointment Thursday to discuss my fertility issues. It's a new doctor and I'm going in with a LONG list of concerns.

I go from being excited and looking forward to the appointment to being terrified of what it'll bring. I am excited because I want answers and a plan. But, at the same time, I'm scared. I don't want to think there is something wrong with me. I don't want that guilt...that something with MY body caused my losses. Don't get me wrong, I know He needed them and that's ultimately why they died, but it doesn't make it any easier for me. I'm scared the doctor might blow me off. I'm scared I may need fertility drugs. I'm scared of hearing I can't have a baby...

Please, pray that my appointment goes well. Pray that whatever happens, God helps me through it. Pray for my family. DH and I want nothing more to be parents. Yet, again and again, we are stuck on the sidelines watching everyone else fulfill our dreams by accident.

I need a favor...(NON TTC RELATED)

As some of you may know, a good friend of mine has a little boy who was born in June 2008. Joey has a rare blood disease called Langerhan’s Cell Histiocytosis. It is a disease that isn’t cancer, but acts like cancer and it treated like cancer. Joey has spent most of his short life receiving chemo. Joey’s illness has inspired his older brother David. David is 7 and has made it his goal to bring smiles to the faces of children on the Oncology Ward. He has started a project he calls “Operation Stuff It.” For this he is collecting brand new stuffed animals to give to the kids. The “stuffies” as he calls them must have tags still on them to prove they are new. The kids receiving these are on chemo and do not have an immune system right now. I’m telling you all this in hopes that you can find it in your heart to help out. A stuffed animal only costs a couple of dollars and will really help brighten up their day. Here is the link to Operation Stuff It: http://operationstuffit.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2009-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-08%3A00&updated-max=2010-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-08%3A00&max-results=3

Also, back in June after learning that Joey may go on to need a bone marrow transplant (as some LCH kids do), I registered to be a donor with www.bethematch.org Bone marrow donation has come a long way and most of the time it is as simple as donating blood and is a FREE process for the donor. Usually the cost of registering is $52. (It costs them $100 to add somebody to the registry.) However, they have a special event going on. From now through the end of 2009, there is absolutely no cost to join. This means you can join the registry for free. I ask that each of you take a moment to consider joining the registry. If you join today, and decide later that you cannot donate, that is ok, they cannot/will not make you. It is a free and selfless thing to do. Please, consider taking a few moments of your time to register to save someone’s life.

Also, even if you are unable to help, please take a moment to pass this to your friends and loved ones. Maybe they can help.

Thank you,
Augie Grabenstein

Excuse me? Have you seen my peesticks?

That's right. AF is due tomorrow.  Somehow, somewhere my pregnancy tests are MIA.  My OPKs are right there, but the hpt's are gone.  I wanna pee on something!!!  I'm really hoping the witch doesn't show tomorrow and I have an excuse to go "waste" money on more peesticks.  Then I hope to get those two little lines that will start a whole new obsession...

The Niecelet

Here she is, my little Niecelet.  She is a week old today and is still in the NICU for monitoring.  She should be home in a few days.

My mood has improved greatly.  I still have hard moments, but for the most part I feel that I am handling her arrival fairly well.  This may all change in a few days when she comes home.  We'll just have to see...

What a day!

For those who are reading and who may not have experienced multiple miscarriages, you may not fully grasp this blog.  My sister had her baby.  While this is supposed to be a huge happy occasion, I'm NOT happy.  I mean, yes, I love my new niece and would do anything for her, but damn it, it's not fair!  My sister is 21.  The baby's father...well, he's less than desirable.  Destiny was not planned.  After all my husband and I have been through, why does she get to have a baby and I don't?  Damn it, why is it so fucking hard?  I miss the innocence.  I miss actually being happy for someone who has a baby.

Self-Doubt and Adoption

It's not secret, I want nothing more than to give birth to a living child.  Lately, though, I have my doubts that this is even a possibility.  I'm not sure why...I mean, it's not like we've even began the fertility testing.  Technically, we don't have a medical reason for me to feel this way. 

But, for whatever reason, I find myself thinking about adoption.  Yesterday I found myself surfing the 'net looking at websites for local adoption agencies.  We've looked into adoption in the past, even went as far as meeting with a lawyer to start proceedings on an 18 month old little boy.  When that fell through we went back to trying to conceive. 

During my search, I read up more on fostering to adopt.  We have also talked about fostering in the past.  I truely feel as if this is the path for us.  Chris, however, wants to wait to look into it, and wants to try for a biological child first.  The more I think about it (and it seems to be all I can think about), the more I want to email the guy who is in charge of the program in this region...

From the Beginning

Our journey started unexpectedly in January 2007 when conceived our first son.  We hadn't been trying and in fact had just started birth control.  We lost our little boy before we even knew of his existance.  For the longest time, I didn't even tell him (or anyone else for that matter).  I just dealt with it on my own and reminded myself that we were no where near ready to have a child together.

After some long discussions we decided that we were going to start trying to conceive in October 2007.  Amazingly, we got pregnant that very cycle.  We were elated.  We (like so many others) assumed that we had used all our bad luck and that of course we were going to have a healthy pregnancy.  We didn't tell anyone right away, choosing to sit on the news for a little while.  We enjoyed every minute of the pregnancy.  Around  9 weeks I even started to show.  On January 30th I began cramping and passing clots.  I immediately knew what was happening.  We were devastated.  I made it all the way to 11 weeks.

After losing our second pregnancy, I couldn't let him so much as touch me.  Even a simple hug would send me bawling.  Just a couple of months after the loss, I found justmommies.com  The ladies there are amazing.  They encouraged me to name the babies we had lost and give it time.  We named our first angel Dominic McDylan.  Our second angel was given the name Gwendolyn Elizabeth.

Not long after joining JM we started officially trying to conceive again.  To our surprise we didn't conceive right away this time.  (I had assumed we would because of the first two pregnancies.)  But we still didn't have to wait long.  In October 2008 we conceived again.  This time we were scared, but still hopeful.  After all, I blamed Dominic's loss on the birth control pills and figured Gwen's to be a fluke.  Sadly, through, at a mere 5 weeks  4 days, I began the  now-all-too-familiar process of miscarrying yet again.

With the loss of my third baby came anger.  Chris wouldn't admit that I was ever pregnant.  I think it was his way of coping.  I named our third little one Aiden Alexander.  I lost all confidence that I would ever carry full term.  I am no longer sure about the causes of my first two babies.

By this time we were nearing our wedding date, September 27, 2009.  We decided (for insurance purposes) to put trying to put trying to conceive on hold until after the wedding.  That brings us to now.

We are currently on our first cycle of trying to conceive this round.  This cycle has been more of a not try/not prevent.  We're hoping to go in for fertility testing soon in an attempt to get some answers.