I have a dream.

I have a dream.  In this dream I have no need to add more candles each year during the Wave of Light.  A dream in which my home is filled with laughter and even "You're mean!"  from time to time.  A dream where I have sore feet, not from an ongoing injury, but because I've stepped on Legos, Barbie shoes, or Hot Wheels.  I have a dream that someday (hopefully soon) a child will call me "Mommy". 

Three-Pronged Update

Twin Grief

The last month and a half have been hard grief-wise.  The twins were due August 19th.  When you consider my family history of premature births and the fact that twins are often early anyway, it's pretty safe to say I'd have two babies that were more than a month old already.

Reminders seem to be everywhere.  My sister-in-law was due 12 days before me.  She had her little one three weeks ago today.  I also have several friends that have had babies in the last 3 weeks.  While I love my niece (and my friend's kids), it is going to be extremely tough as all these babies start reaching milestones and reminding me of what Kat and Sam should be learning to do at that point.

Speaking of reminders, owls.  I can't go ANYWHERE without seeing an owl.  When I first found out that I was pregnant a fifth-time, I joined a due-date-club (DDC).  The DDC referred to the babies as their "Owlets" until they found out genders.  Every owl thing I see is a reminder that I should have two owlets.  The most recent "owl sighting" was at the Renaissance Faire.

Chris and I have gone to the Faire every single year since we met.  (We even got married there!)  Yesterday was our trip for the season.  It was harder than I expected.  Never with any of the other lost pregnancies did I feel a sense of grief and longing while there.  I think it was because the twins were due so close to the opening of Faire that it was one of my early thoughts in pregnancy.  I looked forward to taking two tiny babies with us.  It didn't help that I spotted newborn twins there which just served as an "in your face" moment. :(

Lastly, school.  School starts tomorrow.  With school starting I got to thinking about how things would be if we had all six babies alive and well.  (Now of course I know that never would have happened.  We wouldn't have had Gwen so soon after Dominic.  Wouldn't have tried for Jill if we had two/three already.  Never would have had five pregnancies before a vasectomy.)  Anyway, if we had all 6 here:  Dominic would be homeschooling for Kindergarten this year.  I'd be trying to get Gwen to do Kinder too since there was only 9 months between their due dates.  If Aiden was at all interested, he'd be doing preschool at home.  Jill might possibly be potty-training at 22 months old.  And we'd have two newborns.  INSANE!

Trying to Conceive

Since losing the twins I haven't been at all willing to even consider trying.  The whole experience was so traumatizing.  The recovery, so horrible.  The mere thought of a hospital birth (and therefore, likely c-section) was terrifying!

Almost eight months later, I think I've found a way around that.  We met a midwife last week and fell in love.  She made me feel so at ease that we're going to try again.  We are taking a laid-back approach and want to out-right say that if and when we conceive, we will tell you.  Do not ask us how it's going.  That just adds stress to an already stressful time.  (Also, never, ever, tell us to "Relax and it'll happen" or anything similar.  You do not know our full array of fertility issues, relaxing won't help a bit.  Don't patronize our efforts.)

If/when we conceive we will be delivering at a birthcenter with our midwife.  The first trimester of pregnancy will be done as dual care.  We will see my OB/GYN that I've used in the past for the incessant bloodwork and ultrasounds for the first trimester.  When I hit 12 weeks, I'll switch over to the midwife exclusively.

Foster Care

Yes, we are still planning on doing foster care.  For all we know it could be another two years to conceive (I hope not!) or we might have more losses (again I sure hope not!).  There's not a lot of update here.  We're still waiting on final approval before we can do anything.  It's frustrating because we'd been led to believe we'd have a kid by now, but there's not much we can do at this point other than wait.

Busy, busy, busy!

I could get used to this. :) We will be ready to accept kids within a couple of weeks. :) We hit quite a snag with our before/after school person backing out on us be after a lot of panic and phone calls, we've worked it out. Or at least, we think we have. There might be a slight problem in the afternoons but it'll work out.

 We have one more class on Saturday and background checks for family that has agreed to watch the kids if we need and that's it! The room is almost ready. We have the bunk bed built, have the mattresses paid for (pick them up tomorrow), have the bedding purchased...We have even started buying some school supplies--something I thought I'd never get to do. :)

We have a list of kids we're going to inquire about for adoption too. Our plan is to adopt one and foster another. I'm so excited.

I don't think words can fully describe how I'm feeling. In a way, it hasn't even set in yet. Despite, the social worker telling me, nothing will stop it at this point, I still feel anxious and reserved. We've gotten out hopes up so many times, only to have them dashed. Once again our hopes are up and I'm terrified something will happen to cause it all to come crashing down around us.

I hope I'm not jinxing this...

Chris and I are three classes in to our foster parent training. We have three more to go (tonight and next Tues. and Thurs.) and two Saturdays. We will schedule the start of our our Homestudy on Tuesday and there is so much to do! I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all. (Especially since I sprained my ankle last week and haven't been able to do as much.) There's not a lot of update regarding the classes. They say that this week is the hardest. Tuesday's class went well, so we're hoping the same will be true for tonight. So far, I haven't really been surprised by anything we've been told. Well, except or the number of times random people will be in our home. LOTS of people coming and going. That should be interesting! I must admit, I've been a bit nervous to post about this. I worry that doing so is going to jinx it. None of my hopeful posts in the past have ever actually happened. :( I really hope this one comes true.

It's a puzzle.

Puzzle fundraiser, that is. So, what exactly is a puzzle fundraiser?

Basically, it is a cheap and easy way for you to help us achieve our dreams of becoming parents. You can buy as many pieces as you would like for $5 a piece. Your name/family's name will go on the back of a puzzle piece. The puzzle will be put together and framed. When doing so we will take care to preserve both sides of the puzzle so that either can be seen when desired. As our child grows up, we will show him/her the side with names frequently while explaining that those are the names of the people that helped bring them into our home.

So, how do you buy a piece (or more)? It's really simple. You just have to send us the money via paypal. Our paypal email is augieandchrisadopt@happylittletree.net Just make sure to let us know a name for your piece(s)!

Not the update I had planned

I was planning on posting this weekend tell you all about the little 6 year old boy we were getting. Telling you how amazed I was at the generosity of people who were helping us quickly gather all we would need for him. Telling that in a matter of WEEKS Chris and I would finally have a child in our home.

Wednesday it all came crashing down. Apparently certain people were pressuring the birthfather into it. Do me a favor. I don't care how sure you are that an adoption plan is the best thing for a child DO NOT PRESSURE THE BIRTH PARENT! All it does is lead to a lot of heartache. It's not worth it. :( I've shed a lot of tears because someone thought they were doing the right thing.

I'm so sick of getting my hopes up. I am so sick of thinking I might actually be a mom. DO NOT tell me God has "a plan." Because, honestly, it takes a fucked up mind to willing put someone through as much loss and heartache as Chris and I have been through.

Don't tell me to pray. I'm sick and tired of praying and getting no where. Hundreds of people prayed for my twins. What'd that get me? 16 staples, A LOT of pain, and two dead babies to add to my count. What's the point in praying when "he has a plan" anyway? My prayers sure aren't changing that.

I don't want a lecture or a sermon about my anger at God. If you feel the need to give one, I strongly suggest you keep it to yourself. With the way I'm feeling at the moment, it could leading to us not talking for a while. You've been warned.

What can you do? Offer support. We're going to continue in our fundraising efforts. We can't give up. If I can't be a mom, I'm not sure I want to be anything.

BIG update

First, we had our final follow-up a few weeks ago. I'm healing just fine. I still get some occasional pain but that's from the scar tissue and is getting much less frequent.

At the follow-up, I asked a question I've wondered about for quite a while. With my pregnancy history, will I be considered high risk? The answer was an amazing NO. I can't express how happy this makes us (me). I have always wanted a natural birth. No induction, no drugs, and certainly no section. In today's society, it's hard to achieve this in a hospital setting. It's much more convenient for the doctors and hospital to intervene. Doctors don't want to wait around on baby. Hospitals make more money when they intervene.

I have known for quite some time that I want a homebirth. However, with my pregnancy history, I was worried that I would not be able to find a midwife to take me on. Now that I know I will not be considered high-risk, this seems like a much more realistic goal (assuming we ever get a pregnancy that sticks). :)

Now for the emotional update. Like any grieving person, I have good days and bad days. Or rather, good hours and bad hours. It really is an hour by hour thing. I find that reminders are everywhere. One day I'll be fine seeing/hearing something and the next, it brings unbearable pain.

I also find that, even ten weeks later, I still have a hard time accepting that we have six babies in Heaven. Twins really threw me for a loop. Don't get me wrong, I know I've lost six, it just doesn't seem real.

Surprisingly our reactions to this loss has been very different. In the past, Chris has always been ready to go right away. He's always been ready to try again, to move forward. Me it has varied. Some losses I couldn't stand the thought of trying ever again and others I was ready right away. This time, though, I can't make up my mind. I went from being indifferent, to "let's do it!", to I don't ever want to be pregnant again. However, I still feel the need to get a baby in my home ASAP. I want to push forward and foster/adopt as soon as humanly possible. Chris feels he needs more time. He had more time and dr appointments to get excited. Not only did he have his hopes crushed, he had to spend a good 9-10 hours terrified that he'd lose me too. (The thought of me dying never crossed my mind until days after the surgery. I was too focused on the babies...I guess a mother's love does that.) I completely understand this; it's just frustrating being at two very different places right now.

So, where does that leave us? At the moment, I'm not overly sure. The next round of PRIDE classes starts in 6ish weeks. Chris and I have yet to really discuss whether or not we will attend them. I want to, I'm ready, but he's not. Maybe he will be in six weeks, who knows.

We are however, amping up our efforts in fundraising. I have to feel like I'm doing *something* right now. We have started an Etsy shop with donations from friends. It is very small right now, but we have three people working on items they'll be sending us soon.

We are also starting to gather items for our "community sale." I've been calling it that, but really, I'm going to be setting up at the flea market. We have stuff from our house along with stuff from four people so far! Our goal is to acquire enough to make it through the summer and still be able to set up at the Rt. 11 crawl in August.

We have a couple other fundraisers in mind as well, but don't want to have too many going at once. A puzzle fundraiser will be started in the coming months though!

I think that about covers it all. Between going back to work and fundraising, I just haven't been able to update sooner. I'll be back to update soon as things get under way!

Irrational Sadness

Today at work I attended a play. I was looking forward to the play since I knew almost all of the kids. However, at the very beginning I had this thought that I'd never get to see Katherine and Samuel in an elementary school program. Realistically, even if we hadn't lost the twins, we (I) plan to homeschool so our kids wouldn't be in these plays anyway. I tried telling myself this, but it didn't make the sadness go away any. :( It became a tad difficult to focus after that.

Little things

It's amazing the little things that can set off grief. I guess I've always known that this was the case, I guess I just forgot. Nevertheless, it always catches me by surprise.

The most recent was watching Father of the Bride. The scene where Nina (mom) learns of Annie's (daughter) engagement. In this scene, Nina is smiling and crying as she cusps Annie's face. Kinda like this:

This picture was taken as right as mom learned about the twins. My heart breaks even more knowing the pain she (and so many others) experienced with the loss of our precious babies. I know it's not my fault and that nothing could've been done but yet I feel guilty. I loved sharing my babies with everyone for those few days, but feel like an ass for dashing their hopes. :(

Jillian

Today is two years since we lost Jillian Evelyn. I remember her very brief pregnancy and all that surrounded it pretty well. I remember bawling on the phone with friends. Not wanting to tell Chris on the phone or via email, yet trying to convince him to just COME HOME. In addition to all these memories, there is one other. One that I had allowed to slip my mind somehow. That is, until yesterday (or was it today, early morning?) when a friend commented on FaceBook and reminded me.

As I was mourning the loss of my baby girl, my best friend's son was fighting for his life. He was admitted to the hospital for his life-saving bone marrow transplant the week Jill was due. I felt strongly at the time (and still do) that Jill was there seeing Joey through transplant. As much as I'd love to have my baby girl, Joey is here today. He's alive. He's healthier than he's ever been. He has beaten Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis. I can't discount that. Here is a blog post from last year talking about it.

The following is an image that I had made for Joey. This was printed and framed, then mailed to him to take to transplant.

Guilt

With any pregnancy loss comes guilt. "What did I do wrong?" "Did x, y, or z cause my baby's death?" This time was no different. After my first ultrasound, I wondered, was it the decongestant I took the week before I found out I was pregnant? Was it that too hot shower that I turned off as soon as I realized just how hot I'd let it get? I'll never know for sure if either of those caused Katherine's death, but I have a whole new type of guilt for Samuel.

You see, by the time I had my surgery, Katherine had been dead for days. (Gosh, that sounds so horrible. =( ) Samuel, however, wasn't. It is possible he'd passed away sometime just hours prior to surgery. I don't know that though. I'm left to wonder "Was my baby boy alive when the doctor removed him from the safety of my body?" You see, his sac was growing. It had grown between the time of my ER visit and the follow-up. I am left with guilt that my surgery killed him.

Logically, I know I didn't really have a choice. Logically, Samuel would not have been able to stay in my tube until he reached viability. Even he stood a chance I wouldn't have lived that long. I was already bleeding internally. I lost A LOT of blood in just a few hours. There's no way I would have survived months in that condition.

However, the logical me and the emotional me don't always agree. I don't know what the emotional me thinks I should have done, I just know she isn't happy with my decision. The logical me feels I didn't have much choice and did what had to be done.

A friend said it best:

Try to tell your heart to think logically...it doesn't work.

The Twin's Story from Start to Finish

After many months of not trying, not preventing we were blessed with a big surprise when we least expected it. On December 19, 2011 we were shocked to learn that we were pregnant again. Things appeared to be going better than all of my prior pregnancies and my hormone levels looked good so on Christmas day we told our families. For my family, I made a t-shirt with my niece for her to wear that said, “I’m gonna be a big cousin.” It took them a second to read it, but, once they did there were lots of screams and happy tears. I finally got to have that moment of joy with my family. It was fantastic.

After telling my family we went to his parents’ house and used sugar cookies to spell out “C + A = 3” followed by our due date 8-19-2012. We were due just twelve days after his brother’s wife. There was no screaming, and no tears of joy, but there was lots of excitement and happiness. It was the perfect Christmas Day.

After Christmas we had another hormone draw that looked good. We spent that afternoon browsing stores and bought a few baby outfits. That night I had a little pain on the left side but it was suggested I was dehydrated. This seemed likely as I hadn’t really drank much when shopping so I decided to just take it easy and drink water.

The very next day was our first ultrasound. For the first time, we weren’t worried for an appointment. After all, the betas the day before had been good. As soon as Isaw the screen, I knew it wasn’t right. There was no baby showing in the uterus. I mentioned the pain on my side and she made sure to check the tube for me. I saw with my own eyes, there was nothing in the tube, either. Chris and I were sent to wait on the doctor. When we sat down with my OB, he informed us in appeared as though there had been as sac in the uterus that was now deflated. He offered a D & C, but also offered to let us wait a week, just to be sure. We chose to wait and try to hope that we just weren’t as far as I’d thought.

The next night (Thursday), the pain in my side came back. It was pretty bad, and I thought about calling the on-call OB but remembered back to my ultrasound. There was nothing in the tube. I had nothing to worry about. Instead of calling, I went to bed early, hoping to feel better in the morning.

At 3:30am I awoke with severe pain. My side was now sensitive to the touch. Just getting up and going to the bathroom had me in tears and nauseated from the pain. I knew I needed the ER but didn’t want to wake my husband. I decided to try to wait until he was up for the day. By4:10 I had realized I couldn’t wait and woke him up. We checked into the ER at 4:50.

The ER staff was great. They got me back immediately and began testing. This time the ultrasound showed there was definitely something in my left tube. It also showed the sac in the uterus was even more deflated. The blood work told us that my hormone level had fallen to half of what it had been less than 48 hours prior.

My OB was paged and came to see me. He talked to us about the spot in my tube and our options. He couldn’t be sure that what he was seeing was definitely a baby because it did not have the blood flow you would expect with a baby. He informed us he thought there was a good chance it was just a cyst. Dr. L. offered to admit me for observation but made it known that he really didn’t think it was necessary. After discussion, it was decided that I would go home, but return the next day (Saturday, New Years Eve) for a repeat lab draw and ultrasound. I was also instructed to come back to the ER if the pain didn’t let up or got worse.

The pain improved so much that by the time of my follow-up testing we weren’t at all concerned. We even made plans to go out to lunch with my mother-in-law when we finished up at the hospital. After the ultrasound, we were told that Dr. L. was on his way over to see us. I knew then for sure that this wasn’t good.

Dr. L. arrived and was rather surprised that my pain was so much better. My condition had actually worsened and I was bleeding internally. I was immediately admitted to the hospital and had surgery for a heterotopic pregnancy that night. Because of the location of Baby B (the one in the tube), they were unable to do the surgery laparoscopically. I ended up with ac-section style cut and 16 staples.

My recovery started out difficult when I reacted very badly to the first pain medication and my night nurse ignored it. (Luckily the day nurse had it fixed within minutes of her shift starting.) I remained in the hospital until Monday. That Monday before being released, my husband and I named our twins: Katherine Anne and Samuel Kenneth.

The first week home was very difficult, but I’m finally starting to improve physically. Emotionally, there’s a long road ahead, but I’ll get there.

I never thought I’d have five failed pregnancies and six babies in Heaven, but I do. Chris and I will keep on trying for a while still (as soon as we’re allowed of course). Maybe pregnancy #6will be the lucky one. We have decided that if we are able to bring our next baby home, that’s it. We will only ever have one living biological child (except, of course, in the case of multiples).

To try again, or not to try again?

As I always do after a loss, I've been questioning whether or not I want to risk going through aother miscarriage. A good friend and I were talking about it last night and I think I've decided.

I probably will risk it again. Chris really wants a living (biological) child and it wouldn't be very fair of me to flat out refuse that option. I couldn't ask him to get snipped knowing how badly he wants a child and I'm never doing hormonal birth control again.

The losses are hard on me, yes, but they're hard on him too. After all he's done for me, I can't not take his feelings into consideration. Are his feelings more important? No. But, likewise, mine don't outweigh his either. I have no right to take away his chance at a biological child.

That being said, I will continue to try (or at least not prevent) for a while still. Since I lost my left fallopian tube with this pregnancy, the risk of another ectopic is just the same as everyone else's risk. At this point the risk is the same as it was before we conceived the twins.

Follow-up Appt Update

They were unable to do genetic testing. There wasn't enough "material" left in the uterus (though I hadn't bled any?) to test and they cannot test Baby B (Samuel) because ectopics are abnormal anyway.

He gave me a new pain med. I skipped a dose of pain meds yesterday because of the side effects and the pain not being THAT bad. When skipping the dose the nausea got REALLY bad which made me worry that it was from withdrawals so I decided no more. I talked to the doctor today and he had no problem with me not taking the Percocet but wanted me on SOMETHING. (I have yet to try it. I really waant it right now but I'm home alone and it's probably best to try new meds with someone else around. Meds tend to act very strongly with me.

He also told me to double my anti-nausea med.

No trying for two cycles. No sex or work for six weeks.

My staples were removed and now I have tape strips. I've been told to start putting neosporin on the staple holes twice a day. He also said to "continue to just let soap and water run over the incision" so I guess I'll START that. When I asked about showers at the hospital the nurse said to let water run over it...she never said soap so I've been making sure to keep soap away from it.

I go back in a week. Maybe the waiting room won't have four big pregnant ladies and a kid named Dominic (who's only slightly older than mine would be). :(

Home

Just a quick update to say we are home. It's been a rough adjustment. Just because I'm home doesn't mean I capable of doing much of anything. I still need a great deal of help for even the smallest things. Chris took the whole week off of work to help me and I am so glad. If he hadn't we would've had to have a family member or friend come stay with me. It's super-painful to even lean forward to pick up a drink. A lot of times I find that I need help just to transition between sitting and standing.

In the hospital

This past Tuesday evening I began to have a little pain in my side. I immediately thought about calling the on call doctor but decided that I was probably overeacting so I chose to wait until my already scheduled appointmoint.

On Wednesday at the appointment, we recieved some bad news. The baby had already passed. The tech did make sure to look at the tube but there was nothing to be seen.

Thursday evening, the pain came back with a vengance. By 4am Friday morning I was nauseated and in tears from the pain. I woke Chris up and we headed to the ER. In the ER, they found something in the tube but couldn't be sure about what it was they were seeing. Obviously they were concerned about it being a baby. However, the area didn't have an increased blood flow like a baby would have. It was decided that I would go home on the promise that I come back to the ER if it got worse, and would return Saturday (no matter what) for repeat tests.

The pain subsided greatiy but apparently things had gotten much worse. I ended up being admitted pretty quickly, By 7:30 that evening, I was in the OR for emergency surgery. We were pregnant with twins in a rare heterotopic pregnancy. My left fallopian tube was bleeding out in several places. Unfortunately, the doctor was unable to save my tube. Because the baby implanted so close to the uterus, the doctor also had to take a small corner of the uterus that was damaged.

Recovery from surgery got off to a rough start (thanks to being allergic to Delaudid and a nurse that didn't notice that). Yesterday's day nurse caught it pretty much right away and things went MUCH better after that.

As of right now, we're unsure of when we'll get to go home. Maybe this evening, maybe tomorrow.