Not the update I had planned

I was planning on posting this weekend tell you all about the little 6 year old boy we were getting. Telling you how amazed I was at the generosity of people who were helping us quickly gather all we would need for him. Telling that in a matter of WEEKS Chris and I would finally have a child in our home.

Wednesday it all came crashing down. Apparently certain people were pressuring the birthfather into it. Do me a favor. I don't care how sure you are that an adoption plan is the best thing for a child DO NOT PRESSURE THE BIRTH PARENT! All it does is lead to a lot of heartache. It's not worth it. :( I've shed a lot of tears because someone thought they were doing the right thing.

I'm so sick of getting my hopes up. I am so sick of thinking I might actually be a mom. DO NOT tell me God has "a plan." Because, honestly, it takes a fucked up mind to willing put someone through as much loss and heartache as Chris and I have been through.

Don't tell me to pray. I'm sick and tired of praying and getting no where. Hundreds of people prayed for my twins. What'd that get me? 16 staples, A LOT of pain, and two dead babies to add to my count. What's the point in praying when "he has a plan" anyway? My prayers sure aren't changing that.

I don't want a lecture or a sermon about my anger at God. If you feel the need to give one, I strongly suggest you keep it to yourself. With the way I'm feeling at the moment, it could leading to us not talking for a while. You've been warned.

What can you do? Offer support. We're going to continue in our fundraising efforts. We can't give up. If I can't be a mom, I'm not sure I want to be anything.