Guilt

With any pregnancy loss comes guilt. "What did I do wrong?" "Did x, y, or z cause my baby's death?" This time was no different. After my first ultrasound, I wondered, was it the decongestant I took the week before I found out I was pregnant? Was it that too hot shower that I turned off as soon as I realized just how hot I'd let it get? I'll never know for sure if either of those caused Katherine's death, but I have a whole new type of guilt for Samuel.

You see, by the time I had my surgery, Katherine had been dead for days. (Gosh, that sounds so horrible. =( ) Samuel, however, wasn't. It is possible he'd passed away sometime just hours prior to surgery. I don't know that though. I'm left to wonder "Was my baby boy alive when the doctor removed him from the safety of my body?" You see, his sac was growing. It had grown between the time of my ER visit and the follow-up. I am left with guilt that my surgery killed him.

Logically, I know I didn't really have a choice. Logically, Samuel would not have been able to stay in my tube until he reached viability. Even he stood a chance I wouldn't have lived that long. I was already bleeding internally. I lost A LOT of blood in just a few hours. There's no way I would have survived months in that condition.

However, the logical me and the emotional me don't always agree. I don't know what the emotional me thinks I should have done, I just know she isn't happy with my decision. The logical me feels I didn't have much choice and did what had to be done.

A friend said it best:

Try to tell your heart to think logically...it doesn't work.