Reflections

As I say goodbye to 2010 and hello to 2011, I can't help reflecting on this past year as well as look ahead at what's to come.

2010 was a sad year in more ways than one. Not even three weeks into the year I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time. We were so hopeful. I was on the MTHFR meds. This was going to finally be it. Sadly, just a day later, I lost our precious baby. That same week my OB informed me he thought we should move to fertility medication. Talk about a blow!

Three months into the treatment and we still hadn't conceived. At this point, I was declared "beyond my help" by my OB and was referred to the local Reproductive Endocrinologist. The RE did loads of testing and really made me feel at ease. Sadly, the tests were all normal. I say sadly because that meant we can't prevent this from happening again. Dr. I told me he thinks that our problem is likely genetic (despite the karyotyping being normal). This to me means we'll never know if we're going to carry to term. We can't prevent the losses if their genetic. And even if we don't miscarry, MTHFR puts me at higher risk for stillbirth. After all the testing and news (or lack thereof!) I was delivered yet another blow. Despite my OB's referral, since we had not been trying for a consecutive year (we had taken a break leading up to our wedding), he wouldn't help us until October. (Even though he felt we needed him!)

Fast forward to October, we go back and start meds. The second month on them we doubled the dose and moved to IUI (intra-uterine-insemenation). Much to my surprise, we STILL did not conceive. That brings us to now. Our insurance doesn't pay a cent for treatment so we've taken a little break from treatment to catch up financially.

This past year has been difficult emotionally (losing a baby and becoming infertile), financially (dr bills and 10 months of unemployment), and physically (you try bombarding your body monthly with hormones!). In those ways, I'm more than happy to kick 2010 to the curb. I have high hopes for 2011, but am reminded that I had those same exact hopes for 2010.

It doesn't help that January brings pain. January 19 will be one year exactly since we said goodbye as our fourth child joined her sibling in Heaven. January 30th will be the third anniversary of losing my sweet Gwendolyn...her death has been the hardest on Mommy by far. (I was furthest along with her.) Then February 2 will mark four years since we began this horrible journey...the day we said goodbye to our first.

I'd love to look at it as a New Year will bring nothing but good, but that seems naive. The first 31 days will suck. They will be full of sorrow and fear of what's to come.