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After making my last post I decided to go back and read my previous posts. In doing so, I came across this post. In the post I mentioned an infection that I had in the past and about how my OB didn't think that it was an issue. I'm starting to think he was wrong. I think I do have a blockage in my left tube caused by the infection that went undiagnosed for a year. The OB didn't think that was the case because we've been pregnant, but it's possible that those were cycle in which I ovulated on the right side.
During the course of the infection all of the pain was on the left side. All of the issues I've had with cysts have been on the left side. Could this be because the egg has nowhere to go?
Now, while scared (I know the procedures to diagnose and fix this are painful), I have a bit of renewed hope. I hate this rollercoaster, but maybe, just maybe we're nearing the end.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Giving up hope...
That's what I feel like doing. Yet again, we're not pregnant. Yesterday, I made the heart-wrenching call asking for more clomid--more torture. The doctor agreed to call it in one last time but he thinks I need a new doctor. I want to cry; I did cry. My insurance won't pay for infertility. I'm really not at all hopeful that this new doctor will be able to help me any more than the last.
I started looking into Virginia's foster-to-adopt program today. (It's the only way we can afford to adopt.) I want a child oh-so-badly, but can I handle the heartache of fostering to adopt. Each child that comes into our home will have many emotional issues. They don't know love, care, not being abused. Each child we will love, care for, want to adopt. Sixty-six percent will go back home to their abusive, neglectful parents. Can I handle losing another child? Isn't losing four enough? Can I handle not getting the privelege of naming my own children? Can I handle never having a baby in my home? (Most foster children are school aged.) Not to mention, we want to homeschool. Will that even be an option for us?
I hate this. I hate that the only way I see for us to become parents won't allow me to parent the way we want. I hate that drug addicts, child abusers, and just plain assholes get to be parents but I don't!
I started looking into Virginia's foster-to-adopt program today. (It's the only way we can afford to adopt.) I want a child oh-so-badly, but can I handle the heartache of fostering to adopt. Each child that comes into our home will have many emotional issues. They don't know love, care, not being abused. Each child we will love, care for, want to adopt. Sixty-six percent will go back home to their abusive, neglectful parents. Can I handle losing another child? Isn't losing four enough? Can I handle not getting the privelege of naming my own children? Can I handle never having a baby in my home? (Most foster children are school aged.) Not to mention, we want to homeschool. Will that even be an option for us?
I hate this. I hate that the only way I see for us to become parents won't allow me to parent the way we want. I hate that drug addicts, child abusers, and just plain assholes get to be parents but I don't!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I've been horrible at keeping up with this...
This month has been uneventful...other than the Clomid side effects, which are never ending. I'm 15 dpo today. Last cycle my LP was 16 days, so I'm not getting my hopes up yet.
For some reason, the past two days have been emotionally difficult. I really miss Jillian. I guess, it's finally hitting me or something...I would have been 13w today. I would be in the second trimester; just weeks away from the anatomy scan. I should still be breastfeeding Aiden...after all he'd only be 8 months old. I should have TWO toddlers running around.
Instead, I have none of that. I sit here with empty arms just waiting for my period to show so I can call the doctor and start the torture that is Clomid. Of course, maybe we'll get lucky and she won't show. Then we get to sit and wonder if the baby's still alive--if I'll start bleeding at any moment, repeating the process for a fifth time...
For some reason, the past two days have been emotionally difficult. I really miss Jillian. I guess, it's finally hitting me or something...I would have been 13w today. I would be in the second trimester; just weeks away from the anatomy scan. I should still be breastfeeding Aiden...after all he'd only be 8 months old. I should have TWO toddlers running around.
Instead, I have none of that. I sit here with empty arms just waiting for my period to show so I can call the doctor and start the torture that is Clomid. Of course, maybe we'll get lucky and she won't show. Then we get to sit and wonder if the baby's still alive--if I'll start bleeding at any moment, repeating the process for a fifth time...
Saturday, February 27, 2010
It's been a while...
I have been really bad about updating.
In my last post, I stated that we have entered the world of trying to conceive with medical assistance. On day 23 of my cycle last month I was to have my progesterone levels checked. I later found out that they were looking for a 15 to show a good ovulation. When my nurse called with the results, I was a big ball of nerves. She proceeded to tell me that my levels were "very high" and they were "pretty sure" that I was pregnant. She informed me that they wanted me to come in the next day for a blood test and then when it was positive (because they were sure it would be) they'd run my betas. (For those unfamiliar with betas, it's where they check my Hcg level {Hcg is the pregnancy hormone}.) She went on to explain that I would have to repeat the betas in a few days (to make sure my hcg levels were doubling every 48 hours). Halfway through the explanation she stopped and said "Wait, you already know this don't you." It was kind of funny, because well, I did know it. After three years, you learn a few things.
Anyway, I went in the next morning for my bloodwork, and much to everyone's surprise, the test was negative. Chris and I were heartbroken (again!) and went about our errands while we waited for the doctor to call. When doctor Leonard called, I could tell he was baffled. He still was not convinced that I wasn't pregnant. My progesterone levels were 68! when they were expecting a 15. He instructed me to come back in a week for a second blood test, because surely I'd be getting a positive by then. So we renewed a little hope, though not much. I started bleeding Saturday, I was never pregnant.
Monday morning, I called an let him know and got another prescription for Clomid. I started the pills Wednesday and the side effects kicked in within two hours. The mood swings haven't kicked in yet, but I'm sure they're coming.
When I talked to my doctor about the bloodwork, he'd made a comment about referring me to a specialist (i.e. Reproductive Endocrinologist) if "this keeps happening." Chris and I have decided that if we do not conceive this cycle we are going to request an RE. Next month will be our sixth month this time around and our last chance at a 2010 baby. Also, it will be our third medicated cycle and we're only allowed six before we have to give my body a break.
In my last post, I stated that we have entered the world of trying to conceive with medical assistance. On day 23 of my cycle last month I was to have my progesterone levels checked. I later found out that they were looking for a 15 to show a good ovulation. When my nurse called with the results, I was a big ball of nerves. She proceeded to tell me that my levels were "very high" and they were "pretty sure" that I was pregnant. She informed me that they wanted me to come in the next day for a blood test and then when it was positive (because they were sure it would be) they'd run my betas. (For those unfamiliar with betas, it's where they check my Hcg level {Hcg is the pregnancy hormone}.) She went on to explain that I would have to repeat the betas in a few days (to make sure my hcg levels were doubling every 48 hours). Halfway through the explanation she stopped and said "Wait, you already know this don't you." It was kind of funny, because well, I did know it. After three years, you learn a few things.
Anyway, I went in the next morning for my bloodwork, and much to everyone's surprise, the test was negative. Chris and I were heartbroken (again!) and went about our errands while we waited for the doctor to call. When doctor Leonard called, I could tell he was baffled. He still was not convinced that I wasn't pregnant. My progesterone levels were 68! when they were expecting a 15. He instructed me to come back in a week for a second blood test, because surely I'd be getting a positive by then. So we renewed a little hope, though not much. I started bleeding Saturday, I was never pregnant.
Monday morning, I called an let him know and got another prescription for Clomid. I started the pills Wednesday and the side effects kicked in within two hours. The mood swings haven't kicked in yet, but I'm sure they're coming.
When I talked to my doctor about the bloodwork, he'd made a comment about referring me to a specialist (i.e. Reproductive Endocrinologist) if "this keeps happening." Chris and I have decided that if we do not conceive this cycle we are going to request an RE. Next month will be our sixth month this time around and our last chance at a 2010 baby. Also, it will be our third medicated cycle and we're only allowed six before we have to give my body a break.
Monday, February 1, 2010
I've been putting this off...
The day after I posted the good new, we miscarried yet again. Jillian Evelyn went to be with her brothers and sister at 4w gestation on Jan 19, 2010.
The doctor put me on Clomid, a fertility drug to help make sure I ovulate since we're not sure I do on my own consistently. It went ok, with minimal side effects...I'll probably post more about that later. I go on the 10th for bloodwork to try and see if it worked.
Saturday was two years since Gwen went to Heaven. Surprisingly, I handled the day fairly well. We also told his family Saturday about our losses. I'm so glad it's finally out in the open!
Tomorrow is the third anniversary of Dominic's passing. I'm not sure how I'll handle it. It's hard to think that we've been on this journey for three years and all we have to show is a bag of baby stuff that's never been used and heavy hearts...
The doctor put me on Clomid, a fertility drug to help make sure I ovulate since we're not sure I do on my own consistently. It went ok, with minimal side effects...I'll probably post more about that later. I go on the 10th for bloodwork to try and see if it worked.
Saturday was two years since Gwen went to Heaven. Surprisingly, I handled the day fairly well. We also told his family Saturday about our losses. I'm so glad it's finally out in the open!
Tomorrow is the third anniversary of Dominic's passing. I'm not sure how I'll handle it. It's hard to think that we've been on this journey for three years and all we have to show is a bag of baby stuff that's never been used and heavy hearts...
Monday, January 18, 2010
3w 6d
also known as 12 days past ovulation. :)
As most of you know (since I spammed JM already), I am pregnant. :D I feel very hopeful, yet terrified at the same time. I do have a good feeling about it though. I am already taking measures to help keep this baby. I'm going to do the rest of today's entry in a q&a style.
When are you due?
I haven't had my dating ultrasound yet but I believe I'm due on September 28th, the day after our wedding anniversary.
Any symptoms?
Slight nausea, fatigue, weird dreams, heartburn today with lunch, and a few hot flashes.
Do you have names picked?
We do, we will share them later.
Will you find out the gender?
YEP! I wanna know asap.
How did you tell Chris?
I bought a "daddy-to-be" card, had a friend's son (who's three) sign it and give it to him at work :)
As most of you know (since I spammed JM already), I am pregnant. :D I feel very hopeful, yet terrified at the same time. I do have a good feeling about it though. I am already taking measures to help keep this baby. I'm going to do the rest of today's entry in a q&a style.
When are you due?
I haven't had my dating ultrasound yet but I believe I'm due on September 28th, the day after our wedding anniversary.
Any symptoms?
Slight nausea, fatigue, weird dreams, heartburn today with lunch, and a few hot flashes.
Do you have names picked?
We do, we will share them later.
Will you find out the gender?
YEP! I wanna know asap.
How did you tell Chris?
I bought a "daddy-to-be" card, had a friend's son (who's three) sign it and give it to him at work :)
Saturday, January 16, 2010
"Stop Trying So Hard"
Really? There are two days a month that a woman can get pregnant. I'm supposed to stop tracking my cycle (therefore not knowing when the egg will be there) and hope for the best. What the hell? Yea me not knowing when to have sex so that the egg can be fertilized is going to fix it all. Yep, me not caring is going to get me pregnant and help me STAY pregnant. People are fucking stupid.
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