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Three years ago today we lost our baby girl.
I'm at a loss for the words to express the grief we feel. You see, when you miscarry, it's not just about losing that partially formed baby. It's so much more. It's about the loss of dreams; the loss of opportunity.
We did not get to hear her first cry. We will not see her walk, learn her abc's, ride a bike, get a boyfriend, go to college, have kids of her own. We will not be able to parent, to raise her up into the beautiful woman I know she would have been. I won't get to breastfeed, to change her diaper, to hear her laugh, to hear her say "Mommy" for the first time and it hurts.
A lot of times, people who haven't had a pregnancy loss don't understand the intensity of the grief. It has been almost four years since my first loss and let me tell you it hurts just as much if not more than it did that day.
Of course with the emotional pain comes the physical pain. Luckily, that doesn't linger as long. Did you know that when a woman miscarries she essentially goes into labor? I didn't...at least not until it happened. Let me tell you, I don't think there is anything worse than lying in your bed, having contractions, and knowing that it's because your baby is dead and that this unbelievable pain is not at all going to be worth it!
In addition to the different pains comes fear. I'm terrified. If I get pregnant again, will it just happen a fifth time? Will I just keep losing my babies and populating Heaven? What if I never become a "mother"? In my heart, yes, I'm a mom, but I know others don't see it that way. How much more can I take? How much more can Chris handle? When is it enough?
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Gwendolyn's Legacy
Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?
Last night in TCF chat, I asked for suggestions. I wanted something I could do to honor Gwen tomorrow. The response I got was wonderful. A very wonderfully supportive woman named Joanna, suggested that I ask people to do a good deed in Gwen's honor to continue her work. Maybe I should explain...
You see, when I miscarried Gwen at 11w, I was devastated. In my grief and fears for new pregnancies I found justmommies.com I quickly signed up and found the ladies to be wonderful. After a few months on the site I began hosting the recurrent loss board where I have been able to provide support to women for more than two years now.
Shortly after becoming host a member posted. Her rainbow baby was very, very sick. They thought he had cancer. During his hospital stay, I emailed her to check on him. She was happy for my concern and gave me her # to check on him any time. I'm sure you've figured it out by now, that precious rainbow baby is Joey and he didn't have cancer...it was worse: histiocytosis. As you likely already know, I have become VERY involved in raising awareness and volunteering for the nation's biggest histio charity.
All of this was set into motion by Gwen's passing. This precious little girl has made such a difference in so many lives despite never getting to take that first breath. I'd like to follow Joanna's suggestion and take it one step further. If all of my readers would do just one good deed in Gwen's honor tomorrow...think of the difference she'd make. If you can't do this, for whatever reason, it would mean a lot to me if you'd just light a candle in her honor at some point tomorrow.
If you do a good deed, tell me about it. I'd love to know what's being done in my baby's honor. If you light a candle, I'd also love to know. If you can, take a picture of it and send it to me. Thanks in advance!
Last night in TCF chat, I asked for suggestions. I wanted something I could do to honor Gwen tomorrow. The response I got was wonderful. A very wonderfully supportive woman named Joanna, suggested that I ask people to do a good deed in Gwen's honor to continue her work. Maybe I should explain...
You see, when I miscarried Gwen at 11w, I was devastated. In my grief and fears for new pregnancies I found justmommies.com I quickly signed up and found the ladies to be wonderful. After a few months on the site I began hosting the recurrent loss board where I have been able to provide support to women for more than two years now.
Shortly after becoming host a member posted. Her rainbow baby was very, very sick. They thought he had cancer. During his hospital stay, I emailed her to check on him. She was happy for my concern and gave me her # to check on him any time. I'm sure you've figured it out by now, that precious rainbow baby is Joey and he didn't have cancer...it was worse: histiocytosis. As you likely already know, I have become VERY involved in raising awareness and volunteering for the nation's biggest histio charity.
All of this was set into motion by Gwen's passing. This precious little girl has made such a difference in so many lives despite never getting to take that first breath. I'd like to follow Joanna's suggestion and take it one step further. If all of my readers would do just one good deed in Gwen's honor tomorrow...think of the difference she'd make. If you can't do this, for whatever reason, it would mean a lot to me if you'd just light a candle in her honor at some point tomorrow.
If you do a good deed, tell me about it. I'd love to know what's being done in my baby's honor. If you light a candle, I'd also love to know. If you can, take a picture of it and send it to me. Thanks in advance!
Music
Music is so different once you've lost a child. Songs you never paid attention to catch your ear. Songs that were "just another song" have the ability to bring you to tears. There are many songs that have proven this to be true over the last several years. Some examples are "Hero" by Mariah Carey and "Still the Cross" by FFH. I reread the lyrics to both of these the other day and they didn't have the same effect...I guess it depends on my mood at the moment?
I have also found that there are times that I find myself looking for such songs; moments when I want to wallow in self-pity. YouTube has been very helpful in those moments. There is a plethora of videos relating to miscarriage on there.
One in particular has always struck a chord though: "Glory Baby" by Watermark. This song never, ever fails to leave me in tears. It's captures how I (and many others, I'm sure) feel perfectly.
I have also found that there are times that I find myself looking for such songs; moments when I want to wallow in self-pity. YouTube has been very helpful in those moments. There is a plethora of videos relating to miscarriage on there.
One in particular has always struck a chord though: "Glory Baby" by Watermark. This song never, ever fails to leave me in tears. It's captures how I (and many others, I'm sure) feel perfectly.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Left Behind
Jude said it perfectly in TCF chat:
If you've ever wondered what it's like to lose a child, there you go. I have felt this way many, many times. There have been times I've lost entire days caught up in my grief. When I lost Gwen, I may as well have lost three months. All I remember from that time is leaving the sales floor in tears while a coworker quickly jumped in at the register; not allowing Chris to so much as touch me; and having to tell my professors, his coworkers that we'd been pregnant and lost the baby. Oh, and I remember the hurt in my mother's voice when she realized we'd been pregnant and hadn't told her yet...he wanted to wait until 12 weeks. We were one week shy of that goal. :(
To say the world kept spinning while I sat still seems very appropriate. Even now I look back and wonder how on earth it's been four years since we lost Dominic and three since that horrible time with Gwendolyn.
"I feel like I am standing still and the world is spinning without me. Sometimes I have to hold my breath and jump into the spinning world (to go to work, etc.) but most of the time I feel like it is just spinning without me."
If you've ever wondered what it's like to lose a child, there you go. I have felt this way many, many times. There have been times I've lost entire days caught up in my grief. When I lost Gwen, I may as well have lost three months. All I remember from that time is leaving the sales floor in tears while a coworker quickly jumped in at the register; not allowing Chris to so much as touch me; and having to tell my professors, his coworkers that we'd been pregnant and lost the baby. Oh, and I remember the hurt in my mother's voice when she realized we'd been pregnant and hadn't told her yet...he wanted to wait until 12 weeks. We were one week shy of that goal. :(
To say the world kept spinning while I sat still seems very appropriate. Even now I look back and wonder how on earth it's been four years since we lost Dominic and three since that horrible time with Gwendolyn.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
"We Are Not Alone"
I recently found an online support chat room for bereaved parents. I was nervous at first that they might not consider me a bereaved parent since all of my children were lost during pregnancy. This fear has proven to be very wrong. They have accepted me with open arms. If fact, I've felt so welcome that I have attended every single chat since Friday night for a total of 12 chats so far!
Journaling and blogging come up regularly as it is a very healthy way of dealing with the emotions that come with losing a child. Last night, the journal topic "We Are Not Alone" came up.
It's an interesting statement. We're not alone because so many others are also hurting. It sucks. I love the support, but hate that anyone (myself included) needs the support. It hurts that I'm not alone because I know the pain they feel.
Yet, at the same time, we are alone. Very alone. No one can fill the void in our hearts. Not even having another baby will make me miss Dominic, Gwen, Aiden, and Jill any less.
I am alone in my specific grief. I have support, yes. But no one, not even Chris misses my babies like I do.
***DISCLAIMER: That does not mean I think he hurts or misses them any less. He just hurts differently.***
Journaling and blogging come up regularly as it is a very healthy way of dealing with the emotions that come with losing a child. Last night, the journal topic "We Are Not Alone" came up.
It's an interesting statement. We're not alone because so many others are also hurting. It sucks. I love the support, but hate that anyone (myself included) needs the support. It hurts that I'm not alone because I know the pain they feel.
Yet, at the same time, we are alone. Very alone. No one can fill the void in our hearts. Not even having another baby will make me miss Dominic, Gwen, Aiden, and Jill any less.
I am alone in my specific grief. I have support, yes. But no one, not even Chris misses my babies like I do.
***DISCLAIMER: That does not mean I think he hurts or misses them any less. He just hurts differently.***
Sunday, January 23, 2011
A conversation snippet I posted on my loss and ttc boards:
DH: "They were here for days. Not my fault you didn't eat more of them."
Me: "It's not MY fault I was nauseous for days."
DH: "It might be."
Me: "No it's yours."
Lex: "Hopefully it's baby's"
Me: "Yea, and you put the sperm there, so it's YOUR fault."
DH: "You put the egg there."
Me: "No, my sperm-donor that made me a girl put the egg there."
DH: "But you let the egg out, in that neighborhood, around that time...it was asking for it!"
Me: "Geez, this is going on JM..."
Me: "It's not MY fault I was nauseous for days."
DH: "It might be."
Me: "No it's yours."
Lex: "Hopefully it's baby's"
Me: "Yea, and you put the sperm there, so it's YOUR fault."
DH: "You put the egg there."
Me: "No, my sperm-donor that made me a girl put the egg there."
DH: "But you let the egg out, in that neighborhood, around that time...it was asking for it!"
Me: "Geez, this is going on JM..."
A Letter
To my least favorite Aunt:
Do you seriously get joy out of screwing with me? Either show up on time or don't come at all. (Though really, I'd prefer the latter.) This whole business of you showing up whenever you feel like it (a whole three days after you're expected!) is starting to really tick me off!
Sincerely,
Your Very Ticked Niece.
Do you seriously get joy out of screwing with me? Either show up on time or don't come at all. (Though really, I'd prefer the latter.) This whole business of you showing up whenever you feel like it (a whole three days after you're expected!) is starting to really tick me off!
Sincerely,
Your Very Ticked Niece.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Jillian Evelyn
One year ago today, our youngest baby went to join her siblings inside Heaven's pearly gates.
This year has bought a lot of pain and anguish. A lot of medications and doctor bills. We have officially been trying for a year since our last pregnancy with no luck. In this year, we have put my body through hell with nothing to show for it. Sometimes, I wonder if Jillian was our last chance to get it right.
As I sit here, home alone, mourning without the support of my spouse, I try to remind myself of one thing: Joey. I know this may seem crazy, silly, or even stupid, to some, but it helps and I have to believe it to be true. One thing that has helped at least a tiny bit with all my losses was that God has some sort of plan. I don't always know what it is, and I sure as heck don't always agree (I mean, come on, taking FOUR of my babies?) but that doesn't change the fact that he has one. With Jillian, I firmly believe that He needed her to help Joey through transplant. Joey needed one extra angel and who better than a little girl who's mommy wanted Joey better so badly? You see, Joey went into the hospital for his transplant the week of Jillian's due date. I don't feel that's a coincidence. Joey beat all odds, he's here and doing better than the doctor's ever thought he would. I know God and His angels (Jillian included)had a hand in that.
This year has bought a lot of pain and anguish. A lot of medications and doctor bills. We have officially been trying for a year since our last pregnancy with no luck. In this year, we have put my body through hell with nothing to show for it. Sometimes, I wonder if Jillian was our last chance to get it right.
As I sit here, home alone, mourning without the support of my spouse, I try to remind myself of one thing: Joey. I know this may seem crazy, silly, or even stupid, to some, but it helps and I have to believe it to be true. One thing that has helped at least a tiny bit with all my losses was that God has some sort of plan. I don't always know what it is, and I sure as heck don't always agree (I mean, come on, taking FOUR of my babies?) but that doesn't change the fact that he has one. With Jillian, I firmly believe that He needed her to help Joey through transplant. Joey needed one extra angel and who better than a little girl who's mommy wanted Joey better so badly? You see, Joey went into the hospital for his transplant the week of Jillian's due date. I don't feel that's a coincidence. Joey beat all odds, he's here and doing better than the doctor's ever thought he would. I know God and His angels (Jillian included)had a hand in that.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Rough Couple of Days
Friday and Saturday were really difficult to get through. I know it was likely related to the upcoming anniversaries, but it sucks.
Friday, I subbed for an elementary art teacher. At one point, I was sitting at the tables talking with the students while they worked. The topic of families came up and the conversation went like this:
Kid 1: "Who lives in your house?"
Me: "Just me and my husband."
Kid 2: "You don't have any kids?"
Me: "No, we don't."
Kid 3: "So you just have a mommy and a daddy at your house?" (Yes!)
Me: "Not exactly. We don't have any kids, so we're not mommies and daddies yet."
Kid 2: (Back to her original question) "Why?"
Me: "It's just not time yet." (If this had been an adult, the answer would have been WAY different!)
What was I supposed to say?! The truth would've been very inappropriate, I think.
Then, Saturday, we set out to do grocery shopping. First stop was Costco. There were a good number of babies/toddlers there, but I was fine. Didn't seem to bother me at all. Then (after lunch) we went to Walmart. We grabbed cat litter and an extension cord before heading to the food. In the aisle with the extension cords was a very pregnant woman. For some reason, this really struck a chord. I started messing around on the iPhone to distract myself but then she walked closer. I ended up leaving the aisle while DH made up his mind.
After that, I purposely took the long way to the food to avoid the kids clothes and baby section only to find random baby stuff in the cleaning aisle!
Of course there were babies and toddlers everywhere in the store! One specific family I walked away from only to have them decide to head my direction!
It was all I could do not to break down in the store (multiple times). I swear, if we hadn't needed food so bad, I would have just given up and left. But we were in desperate need of groceries so I pushed on. I did refuse to get the milk though. I made DH go by himself to get it. (The milk is right next to the baby stuff.)
I did find that it passed after Walmart, but my mood was definitely less upbeat for the remainder of the day.
DH has been having a rough time recently, too. Friday night, he was struggling just to make it through Despicable Me. He said that the scene where Gru adopts the girls was hard to make it through. He said there were other scenes too, but that by the time he told me he could remember which ones specifically.
I know the night we put up the Christmas tree was rough on him as well (because he realized there weren't going to be any presents under it and there should have been a lot.)
Sorry this got to be so long. I don't guess I expect anyone to make it through this super long whine-fest. It helped a bit just to get it all out. (And if you did read it all, you deserve a cookie!)
Friday, I subbed for an elementary art teacher. At one point, I was sitting at the tables talking with the students while they worked. The topic of families came up and the conversation went like this:
Kid 1: "Who lives in your house?"
Me: "Just me and my husband."
Kid 2: "You don't have any kids?"
Me: "No, we don't."
Kid 3: "So you just have a mommy and a daddy at your house?" (Yes!)
Me: "Not exactly. We don't have any kids, so we're not mommies and daddies yet."
Kid 2: (Back to her original question) "Why?"
Me: "It's just not time yet." (If this had been an adult, the answer would have been WAY different!)
What was I supposed to say?! The truth would've been very inappropriate, I think.
Then, Saturday, we set out to do grocery shopping. First stop was Costco. There were a good number of babies/toddlers there, but I was fine. Didn't seem to bother me at all. Then (after lunch) we went to Walmart. We grabbed cat litter and an extension cord before heading to the food. In the aisle with the extension cords was a very pregnant woman. For some reason, this really struck a chord. I started messing around on the iPhone to distract myself but then she walked closer. I ended up leaving the aisle while DH made up his mind.
After that, I purposely took the long way to the food to avoid the kids clothes and baby section only to find random baby stuff in the cleaning aisle!
Of course there were babies and toddlers everywhere in the store! One specific family I walked away from only to have them decide to head my direction!
It was all I could do not to break down in the store (multiple times). I swear, if we hadn't needed food so bad, I would have just given up and left. But we were in desperate need of groceries so I pushed on. I did refuse to get the milk though. I made DH go by himself to get it. (The milk is right next to the baby stuff.)
I did find that it passed after Walmart, but my mood was definitely less upbeat for the remainder of the day.
DH has been having a rough time recently, too. Friday night, he was struggling just to make it through Despicable Me. He said that the scene where Gru adopts the girls was hard to make it through. He said there were other scenes too, but that by the time he told me he could remember which ones specifically.
I know the night we put up the Christmas tree was rough on him as well (because he realized there weren't going to be any presents under it and there should have been a lot.)
Sorry this got to be so long. I don't guess I expect anyone to make it through this super long whine-fest. It helped a bit just to get it all out. (And if you did read it all, you deserve a cookie!)
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Reflections
As I say goodbye to 2010 and hello to 2011, I can't help reflecting on this past year as well as look ahead at what's to come.
2010 was a sad year in more ways than one. Not even three weeks into the year I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time. We were so hopeful. I was on the MTHFR meds. This was going to finally be it. Sadly, just a day later, I lost our precious baby. That same week my OB informed me he thought we should move to fertility medication. Talk about a blow!
Three months into the treatment and we still hadn't conceived. At this point, I was declared "beyond my help" by my OB and was referred to the local Reproductive Endocrinologist. The RE did loads of testing and really made me feel at ease. Sadly, the tests were all normal. I say sadly because that meant we can't prevent this from happening again. Dr. I told me he thinks that our problem is likely genetic (despite the karyotyping being normal). This to me means we'll never know if we're going to carry to term. We can't prevent the losses if their genetic. And even if we don't miscarry, MTHFR puts me at higher risk for stillbirth. After all the testing and news (or lack thereof!) I was delivered yet another blow. Despite my OB's referral, since we had not been trying for a consecutive year (we had taken a break leading up to our wedding), he wouldn't help us until October. (Even though he felt we needed him!)
Fast forward to October, we go back and start meds. The second month on them we doubled the dose and moved to IUI (intra-uterine-insemenation). Much to my surprise, we STILL did not conceive. That brings us to now. Our insurance doesn't pay a cent for treatment so we've taken a little break from treatment to catch up financially.
This past year has been difficult emotionally (losing a baby and becoming infertile), financially (dr bills and 10 months of unemployment), and physically (you try bombarding your body monthly with hormones!). In those ways, I'm more than happy to kick 2010 to the curb. I have high hopes for 2011, but am reminded that I had those same exact hopes for 2010.
It doesn't help that January brings pain. January 19 will be one year exactly since we said goodbye as our fourth child joined her sibling in Heaven. January 30th will be the third anniversary of losing my sweet Gwendolyn...her death has been the hardest on Mommy by far. (I was furthest along with her.) Then February 2 will mark four years since we began this horrible journey...the day we said goodbye to our first.
I'd love to look at it as a New Year will bring nothing but good, but that seems naive. The first 31 days will suck. They will be full of sorrow and fear of what's to come.
2010 was a sad year in more ways than one. Not even three weeks into the year I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time. We were so hopeful. I was on the MTHFR meds. This was going to finally be it. Sadly, just a day later, I lost our precious baby. That same week my OB informed me he thought we should move to fertility medication. Talk about a blow!
Three months into the treatment and we still hadn't conceived. At this point, I was declared "beyond my help" by my OB and was referred to the local Reproductive Endocrinologist. The RE did loads of testing and really made me feel at ease. Sadly, the tests were all normal. I say sadly because that meant we can't prevent this from happening again. Dr. I told me he thinks that our problem is likely genetic (despite the karyotyping being normal). This to me means we'll never know if we're going to carry to term. We can't prevent the losses if their genetic. And even if we don't miscarry, MTHFR puts me at higher risk for stillbirth. After all the testing and news (or lack thereof!) I was delivered yet another blow. Despite my OB's referral, since we had not been trying for a consecutive year (we had taken a break leading up to our wedding), he wouldn't help us until October. (Even though he felt we needed him!)
Fast forward to October, we go back and start meds. The second month on them we doubled the dose and moved to IUI (intra-uterine-insemenation). Much to my surprise, we STILL did not conceive. That brings us to now. Our insurance doesn't pay a cent for treatment so we've taken a little break from treatment to catch up financially.
This past year has been difficult emotionally (losing a baby and becoming infertile), financially (dr bills and 10 months of unemployment), and physically (you try bombarding your body monthly with hormones!). In those ways, I'm more than happy to kick 2010 to the curb. I have high hopes for 2011, but am reminded that I had those same exact hopes for 2010.
It doesn't help that January brings pain. January 19 will be one year exactly since we said goodbye as our fourth child joined her sibling in Heaven. January 30th will be the third anniversary of losing my sweet Gwendolyn...her death has been the hardest on Mommy by far. (I was furthest along with her.) Then February 2 will mark four years since we began this horrible journey...the day we said goodbye to our first.
I'd love to look at it as a New Year will bring nothing but good, but that seems naive. The first 31 days will suck. They will be full of sorrow and fear of what's to come.
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