I knew blogging was a good idea!

After making my last post I decided to go back and read my previous posts. In doing so, I came across this post. In the post I mentioned an infection that I had in the past and about how my OB didn't think that it was an issue. I'm starting to think he was wrong. I think I do have a blockage in my left tube caused by the infection that went undiagnosed for a year. The OB didn't think that was the case because we've been pregnant, but it's possible that those were cycle in which I ovulated on the right side.

During the course of the infection all of the pain was on the left side. All of the issues I've had with cysts have been on the left side. Could this be because the egg has nowhere to go?

Now, while scared (I know the procedures to diagnose and fix this are painful), I have a bit of renewed hope. I hate this rollercoaster, but maybe, just maybe we're nearing the end.

Giving up hope...

That's what I feel like doing. Yet again, we're not pregnant. Yesterday, I made the heart-wrenching call asking for more clomid--more torture. The doctor agreed to call it in one last time but he thinks I need a new doctor. I want to cry; I did cry. My insurance won't pay for infertility. I'm really not at all hopeful that this new doctor will be able to help me any more than the last.

I started looking into Virginia's foster-to-adopt program today. (It's the only way we can afford to adopt.) I want a child oh-so-badly, but can I handle the heartache of fostering to adopt. Each child that comes into our home will have many emotional issues. They don't know love, care, not being abused. Each child we will love, care for, want to adopt. Sixty-six percent will go back home to their abusive, neglectful parents. Can I handle losing another child? Isn't losing four enough? Can I handle not getting the privelege of naming my own children? Can I handle never having a baby in my home? (Most foster children are school aged.) Not to mention, we want to homeschool. Will that even be an option for us?

I hate this. I hate that the only way I see for us to become parents won't allow me to parent the way we want. I hate that drug addicts, child abusers, and just plain assholes get to be parents but I don't!

I've been horrible at keeping up with this...

This month has been uneventful...other than the Clomid side effects, which are never ending. I'm 15 dpo today. Last cycle my LP was 16 days, so I'm not getting my hopes up yet.

For some reason, the past two days have been emotionally difficult. I really miss Jillian. I guess, it's finally hitting me or something...I would have been 13w today. I would be in the second trimester; just weeks away from the anatomy scan. I should still be breastfeeding Aiden...after all he'd only be 8 months old. I should have TWO toddlers running around.

Instead, I have none of that. I sit here with empty arms just waiting for my period to show so I can call the doctor and start the torture that is Clomid. Of course, maybe we'll get lucky and she won't show. Then we get to sit and wonder if the baby's still alive--if I'll start bleeding at any moment, repeating the process for a fifth time...