Two Years Ago

Two years ago, I was pregnant. Two years ago was the happiest time in my life. Chris and I chose to keep it a secret, only telling my employers because of the frequent bathroom trips I was having to make. Two years ago, I never would have imagined that I would be sitting here today, still "childless." Even when I miscarried her, I never imagined it'd take so long to actually have a baby.

Never in a million years did I think that we would have to seek fertility testing. I figured that when things calmed down, we'd conceive again and have our child. I didn't realize that I'd lose yet another baby just a few months later. As I sit here this evening, I look back on what should be. I shouldn't be on the computer. I should be getting two toddlers and an infant ready for bed! I should have three little ones by now. Instead, I sit here with empty arms waiting for morning to come so they can poke me again to take more blood for testing.

I sit here and I wonder why. Why me? (Why anybody?) What did I do so wrong that God feels I can't/shouldn't have a child?

Taboo

***Note: "You" in this blog is not a direct hit at anyone but rather a generalization of the public view.***


Why is pregnancy loss such a taboo subject? Why can't I talk about my kids? Because it makes you uncomfortable? Really, if this is the only reason you can give me, I have to say, I don't give a damn about your comfort.

One would think, given that I am going through fertility testing I would be allowed to talk about my angels. Yet, time and time again I am made to feel as if the subject is taboo. Even my husband clams up anytime our angels are brought up.

I am sick and tired of being made to feel as though my babies don't count. I am timed of not being allowed to talk about them. I am fed up with acting as if everything is ok. I am done.

I know by my not talking about them you can pretend they never existed. I know that nobody wants to hear about when I was pregnant, about my craving, about my morning sickness, or even my tender breasts. But why not? Is my experience somehow less important because my child isn't here with me?

Would you tell a mother who lost her child to cancer or in an accident not to talk about her child because it makes you uncomfortable? Would you want her to box those memories of the short time she had with her child and not share them No, you wouldn't. You'd want her to share. You'd want her to remember. Why should it be any different for me? Why should I have to be silent about the short time I had my angels here with me?

Today's appt

It started with the typical height/weight/bp. Then the nurse took me into doctor's actual office where we discussed the irregular cycles and my losses, etc. He never once mentioned Endo or PCOS, but did say right off the bat that we'd do bloodwork. I then went back into the exam room for the physical exam. He said that other than a tilted uterus, everything physically seemed normal. He had me get dressed and then we went back into the office to make sure there were no more concerns from DH and I. I must say, I was really impressed. I've never had a doctor's office allow so much time and be so willing to talk to me. After the second consult came the bloodwork. That did not go so well. She tried the left arm first and missed. She then went to the right arm and used a butterfly needle. She was able to get two vials of blood but she was moving the needle around the whole time. Therefore, she messed the vein up and stopped getting blood return. She ended up sticking me again in the left arm (with a butterfly needle) and wasn't able to get anything. Finally she gave up and told me to come back Monday for the rest of the tests (6 more vials).

They are testing my Thyroid. He thinks this may be what's causing my irregular cycles.
He said something about the possibility of my hormones not doing what they are supposed to. So they're looking into that.
They are testing for clotting disorders.
They are doing genetic testing.
They are also checking for Rh antibodies to determine if I need the Rhogam shot now or if it can wait.

He did say that there is not a cyst on my ovary (though, I swear it feels like there is). He said that he doesn't think I have any long-term effects from having an infection years ago that went undiagnosed for a year. He said that it's main effect is tubal blockage, but since eggs are getting by...

Overall, it will be a couple of weeks until I hear anything.

Thursday is approaching

I have an appointment Thursday to discuss my fertility issues. It's a new doctor and I'm going in with a LONG list of concerns.

I go from being excited and looking forward to the appointment to being terrified of what it'll bring. I am excited because I want answers and a plan. But, at the same time, I'm scared. I don't want to think there is something wrong with me. I don't want that guilt...that something with MY body caused my losses. Don't get me wrong, I know He needed them and that's ultimately why they died, but it doesn't make it any easier for me. I'm scared the doctor might blow me off. I'm scared I may need fertility drugs. I'm scared of hearing I can't have a baby...

Please, pray that my appointment goes well. Pray that whatever happens, God helps me through it. Pray for my family. DH and I want nothing more to be parents. Yet, again and again, we are stuck on the sidelines watching everyone else fulfill our dreams by accident.

I need a favor...(NON TTC RELATED)

As some of you may know, a good friend of mine has a little boy who was born in June 2008. Joey has a rare blood disease called Langerhan’s Cell Histiocytosis. It is a disease that isn’t cancer, but acts like cancer and it treated like cancer. Joey has spent most of his short life receiving chemo. Joey’s illness has inspired his older brother David. David is 7 and has made it his goal to bring smiles to the faces of children on the Oncology Ward. He has started a project he calls “Operation Stuff It.” For this he is collecting brand new stuffed animals to give to the kids. The “stuffies” as he calls them must have tags still on them to prove they are new. The kids receiving these are on chemo and do not have an immune system right now. I’m telling you all this in hopes that you can find it in your heart to help out. A stuffed animal only costs a couple of dollars and will really help brighten up their day. Here is the link to Operation Stuff It: http://operationstuffit.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2009-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-08%3A00&updated-max=2010-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-08%3A00&max-results=3

Also, back in June after learning that Joey may go on to need a bone marrow transplant (as some LCH kids do), I registered to be a donor with www.bethematch.org Bone marrow donation has come a long way and most of the time it is as simple as donating blood and is a FREE process for the donor. Usually the cost of registering is $52. (It costs them $100 to add somebody to the registry.) However, they have a special event going on. From now through the end of 2009, there is absolutely no cost to join. This means you can join the registry for free. I ask that each of you take a moment to consider joining the registry. If you join today, and decide later that you cannot donate, that is ok, they cannot/will not make you. It is a free and selfless thing to do. Please, consider taking a few moments of your time to register to save someone’s life.

Also, even if you are unable to help, please take a moment to pass this to your friends and loved ones. Maybe they can help.

Thank you,
Augie Grabenstein

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