About Us

My photo
United States
We were married on September 27, 2009. We began our journey more than three years ago. We have had four losses to date and are still trying to conceive our sticky bean.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Not the update I had planned

I was planning on posting this weekend tell you all about the little 6 year old boy we were getting. Telling you how amazed I was at the generosity of people who were helping us quickly gather all we would need for him. Telling that in a matter of WEEKS Chris and I would finally have a child in our home.

Wednesday it all came crashing down. Apparently certain people were pressuring the birthfather into it. Do me a favor. I don't care how sure you are that an adoption plan is the best thing for a child DO NOT PRESSURE THE BIRTH PARENT! All it does is lead to a lot of heartache. It's not worth it. :( I've shed a lot of tears because someone thought they were doing the right thing.

I'm so sick of getting my hopes up. I am so sick of thinking I might actually be a mom. DO NOT tell me God has "a plan." Because, honestly, it takes a fucked up mind to willing put someone through as much loss and heartache as Chris and I have been through.

Don't tell me to pray. I'm sick and tired of praying and getting no where. Hundreds of people prayed for my twins. What'd that get me? 16 staples, A LOT of pain, and two dead babies to add to my count. What's the point in praying when "he has a plan" anyway? My prayers sure aren't changing that.

I don't want a lecture or a sermon about my anger at God. If you feel the need to give one, I strongly suggest you keep it to yourself. With the way I'm feeling at the moment, it could leading to us not talking for a while. You've been warned.

What can you do? Offer support. We're going to continue in our fundraising efforts. We can't give up. If I can't be a mom, I'm not sure I want to be anything.


  1. I'm so sorry. I too feel like it's fucked up plan, and you have every right to be angry with God... and anyone else who doesn't accept the way that you are feeling right now. Again, so so sorry.

  2. Hunni... I feel the same way a lot of times. Nobody can give us the answers for the ultimate question WHY. I would say " it will all work itself out" and to not lose hope but... In ur case I know that u feel u are at the end of the rope and ur probably unsure of what's going to happen "positive" for u guys with all u have been faced with that's negative. I know u don't want to hear it... But... We are praying for u all.

  3. I found your blog through facebook...I am so sorry. There are no words.

  4. I'm so sorry! Many many {{hugs}} to you!! (I'm here via Braces Bunch)

  5. I am so sorry. Sending much love and support on your way.