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Friday, October 30, 2009
What a day!
For those who are reading and who may not have experienced multiple miscarriages, you may not fully grasp this blog. My sister had her baby. While this is supposed to be a huge happy occasion, I'm NOT happy. I mean, yes, I love my new niece and would do anything for her, but damn it, it's not fair! My sister is 21. The baby's father...well, he's less than desirable. Destiny was not planned. After all my husband and I have been through, why does she get to have a baby and I don't? Damn it, why is it so fucking hard? I miss the innocence. I miss actually being happy for someone who has a baby.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Self-Doubt and Adoption
It's not secret, I want nothing more than to give birth to a living child. Lately, though, I have my doubts that this is even a possibility. I'm not sure why...I mean, it's not like we've even began the fertility testing. Technically, we don't have a medical reason for me to feel this way.
But, for whatever reason, I find myself thinking about adoption. Yesterday I found myself surfing the 'net looking at websites for local adoption agencies. We've looked into adoption in the past, even went as far as meeting with a lawyer to start proceedings on an 18 month old little boy. When that fell through we went back to trying to conceive.
During my search, I read up more on fostering to adopt. We have also talked about fostering in the past. I truely feel as if this is the path for us. Chris, however, wants to wait to look into it, and wants to try for a biological child first. The more I think about it (and it seems to be all I can think about), the more I want to email the guy who is in charge of the program in this region...
But, for whatever reason, I find myself thinking about adoption. Yesterday I found myself surfing the 'net looking at websites for local adoption agencies. We've looked into adoption in the past, even went as far as meeting with a lawyer to start proceedings on an 18 month old little boy. When that fell through we went back to trying to conceive.
During my search, I read up more on fostering to adopt. We have also talked about fostering in the past. I truely feel as if this is the path for us. Chris, however, wants to wait to look into it, and wants to try for a biological child first. The more I think about it (and it seems to be all I can think about), the more I want to email the guy who is in charge of the program in this region...
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
From the Beginning
Our journey started unexpectedly in January 2007 when conceived our first son. We hadn't been trying and in fact had just started birth control. We lost our little boy before we even knew of his existance. For the longest time, I didn't even tell him (or anyone else for that matter). I just dealt with it on my own and reminded myself that we were no where near ready to have a child together.
After some long discussions we decided that we were going to start trying to conceive in October 2007. Amazingly, we got pregnant that very cycle. We were elated. We (like so many others) assumed that we had used all our bad luck and that of course we were going to have a healthy pregnancy. We didn't tell anyone right away, choosing to sit on the news for a little while. We enjoyed every minute of the pregnancy. Around 9 weeks I even started to show. On January 30th I began cramping and passing clots. I immediately knew what was happening. We were devastated. I made it all the way to 11 weeks.
After losing our second pregnancy, I couldn't let him so much as touch me. Even a simple hug would send me bawling. Just a couple of months after the loss, I found justmommies.com The ladies there are amazing. They encouraged me to name the babies we had lost and give it time. We named our first angel Dominic McDylan. Our second angel was given the name Gwendolyn Elizabeth.
Not long after joining JM we started officially trying to conceive again. To our surprise we didn't conceive right away this time. (I had assumed we would because of the first two pregnancies.) But we still didn't have to wait long. In October 2008 we conceived again. This time we were scared, but still hopeful. After all, I blamed Dominic's loss on the birth control pills and figured Gwen's to be a fluke. Sadly, through, at a mere 5 weeks 4 days, I began the now-all-too-familiar process of miscarrying yet again.
With the loss of my third baby came anger. Chris wouldn't admit that I was ever pregnant. I think it was his way of coping. I named our third little one Aiden Alexander. I lost all confidence that I would ever carry full term. I am no longer sure about the causes of my first two babies.
By this time we were nearing our wedding date, September 27, 2009. We decided (for insurance purposes) to put trying to put trying to conceive on hold until after the wedding. That brings us to now.
We are currently on our first cycle of trying to conceive this round. This cycle has been more of a not try/not prevent. We're hoping to go in for fertility testing soon in an attempt to get some answers.
After some long discussions we decided that we were going to start trying to conceive in October 2007. Amazingly, we got pregnant that very cycle. We were elated. We (like so many others) assumed that we had used all our bad luck and that of course we were going to have a healthy pregnancy. We didn't tell anyone right away, choosing to sit on the news for a little while. We enjoyed every minute of the pregnancy. Around 9 weeks I even started to show. On January 30th I began cramping and passing clots. I immediately knew what was happening. We were devastated. I made it all the way to 11 weeks.
After losing our second pregnancy, I couldn't let him so much as touch me. Even a simple hug would send me bawling. Just a couple of months after the loss, I found justmommies.com The ladies there are amazing. They encouraged me to name the babies we had lost and give it time. We named our first angel Dominic McDylan. Our second angel was given the name Gwendolyn Elizabeth.
Not long after joining JM we started officially trying to conceive again. To our surprise we didn't conceive right away this time. (I had assumed we would because of the first two pregnancies.) But we still didn't have to wait long. In October 2008 we conceived again. This time we were scared, but still hopeful. After all, I blamed Dominic's loss on the birth control pills and figured Gwen's to be a fluke. Sadly, through, at a mere 5 weeks 4 days, I began the now-all-too-familiar process of miscarrying yet again.
With the loss of my third baby came anger. Chris wouldn't admit that I was ever pregnant. I think it was his way of coping. I named our third little one Aiden Alexander. I lost all confidence that I would ever carry full term. I am no longer sure about the causes of my first two babies.
By this time we were nearing our wedding date, September 27, 2009. We decided (for insurance purposes) to put trying to put trying to conceive on hold until after the wedding. That brings us to now.
We are currently on our first cycle of trying to conceive this round. This cycle has been more of a not try/not prevent. We're hoping to go in for fertility testing soon in an attempt to get some answers.
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