Such an odd middle name don't you think? I think my dad might have been joking when he suggested it. I really liked it at the time and Chris didn't protest. Now...I'm indifferent. I don't hate it, but I also don't love it. Oh well, what's done is done.
I can't believe it's been four years. I honestly don't know what would have happened if we hadn't lost him. We were not ready for a baby, I knew that. BUT I also know, without a doubt in my mind, that I would have stepped up to the plate and raised my precious baby to the best of my ability. I often wonder if our relationship would have made it had we had a baby so early. Regardless, I miss him. Just because he was a surprise baby doesn't mean he wasn't wanted and loved.
If you would have told me four years ago today that I would be married to Chris, I would have believed you in a heartbeat. If you would have told me that despite still being with him, we still wouldn't have any living children, I would have said you were crazy. Never in a million years, would I have thought that I would lose four babies in four years time. I certainly wouldn't have thought that after our last loss we'd go one to using meds for a year and still not even be pregnant. But, it is what it is. We can't change it and I accept that. I just wish I knew how it would end up. Am I ever going to be a Mommy to a living, breathing baby that I gave birth to?