Christmas

Another Christmas has come and gone; another holiday without my babies has passed. Like usual, I find myself looking back at how Christmas should have gone. I should have three kids celebrating. Dominic would be 26 months. Gwendolyn would be 17 months and Aiden would be a mere 5 months old. Yesterday, we would have celebrated at home as a family before going to my uncle's for dinner. Today we would have gone to our parents houses for Christmas. Instead, we celebrated with my niece at my mom's, went to his mom's, and then my uncle's. I miss my babies. I hate this...

Also, after some discussion, Chris and I have decided that even after ttc, I will continue the vitamins. MTHFR creates a deficiency, which is why I have to take them now. That deficiency isn't going to fix itself just because we're not trying for a baby. So I'll be taking four pills for the rest of my life. :(

I got my diagnosis.

I have two MTHFR mutations. I don't know which mutations yet. I asked and he just said he'd send it to me. This diagnosis comes with good and bad news.

The bad news is MTHFR can be very nasty.

Those with the mutation show a higher propensity for thrombosis (blood clots), arteriosclerosis (hardening of arteries), Alzheimer's, stroke, heart attack, Fibromyalgia, migraines (especially with "Aura" migraines), osteoporotic fractures, bone marrow disorders and for those of child bearing years, it has found to be connected to higher incidences of down's syndrome, spina bifida, other neural tube defects, trisomy, miscarriage, stillbirth, implantation failure, placental abruption, preeclampsia, higher incidences of autism, amongst others.

Source: http://www.fibromyalgia-symptoms.org/forums/Fibromyalgia_General_Discussion/MTHFR_Deficiency/

The good news is I have an answer and therefore a plan. I will be taking folic acid, B6, B12, and a prenatal vitamin daily. Once we're pregnant he said he'll start me on blood-thinners. However, Chris and I have decided to add a baby aspirin a day on our own. I have a hard time got positives on home pregnancy tests and we're worried about starting it too late and therefore losing another baby. Plus an aspirin a day will decrease my risk of a clot or stroke (since these mutations increases my chances).

This news is bittersweet. I am relieved to have an answer, a plan, hope. But I'm also scared and feeling guilty. I'm scared at the knowledge that we have a higher chance of having a special needs child. Don't get me wrong, we'll love our children just the same. We've even talked about adopting a special needs child, but I'm still scared. I feel guilty because we now know that it was a problem with MY BODY. I can't carry. It's my fault. How can I be smiling from relief and yet feel ready to burst into tears at any moment?