Busy, busy, busy!

I could get used to this. :) We will be ready to accept kids within a couple of weeks. :) We hit quite a snag with our before/after school person backing out on us be after a lot of panic and phone calls, we've worked it out. Or at least, we think we have. There might be a slight problem in the afternoons but it'll work out.

 We have one more class on Saturday and background checks for family that has agreed to watch the kids if we need and that's it! The room is almost ready. We have the bunk bed built, have the mattresses paid for (pick them up tomorrow), have the bedding purchased...We have even started buying some school supplies--something I thought I'd never get to do. :)

We have a list of kids we're going to inquire about for adoption too. Our plan is to adopt one and foster another. I'm so excited.

I don't think words can fully describe how I'm feeling. In a way, it hasn't even set in yet. Despite, the social worker telling me, nothing will stop it at this point, I still feel anxious and reserved. We've gotten out hopes up so many times, only to have them dashed. Once again our hopes are up and I'm terrified something will happen to cause it all to come crashing down around us.

I hope I'm not jinxing this...

Chris and I are three classes in to our foster parent training. We have three more to go (tonight and next Tues. and Thurs.) and two Saturdays. We will schedule the start of our our Homestudy on Tuesday and there is so much to do! I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all. (Especially since I sprained my ankle last week and haven't been able to do as much.) There's not a lot of update regarding the classes. They say that this week is the hardest. Tuesday's class went well, so we're hoping the same will be true for tonight. So far, I haven't really been surprised by anything we've been told. Well, except or the number of times random people will be in our home. LOTS of people coming and going. That should be interesting! I must admit, I've been a bit nervous to post about this. I worry that doing so is going to jinx it. None of my hopeful posts in the past have ever actually happened. :( I really hope this one comes true.

It's a puzzle.

Puzzle fundraiser, that is. So, what exactly is a puzzle fundraiser?

Basically, it is a cheap and easy way for you to help us achieve our dreams of becoming parents. You can buy as many pieces as you would like for $5 a piece. Your name/family's name will go on the back of a puzzle piece. The puzzle will be put together and framed. When doing so we will take care to preserve both sides of the puzzle so that either can be seen when desired. As our child grows up, we will show him/her the side with names frequently while explaining that those are the names of the people that helped bring them into our home.

So, how do you buy a piece (or more)? It's really simple. You just have to send us the money via paypal. Our paypal email is augieandchrisadopt@happylittletree.net Just make sure to let us know a name for your piece(s)!

Not the update I had planned

I was planning on posting this weekend tell you all about the little 6 year old boy we were getting. Telling you how amazed I was at the generosity of people who were helping us quickly gather all we would need for him. Telling that in a matter of WEEKS Chris and I would finally have a child in our home.

Wednesday it all came crashing down. Apparently certain people were pressuring the birthfather into it. Do me a favor. I don't care how sure you are that an adoption plan is the best thing for a child DO NOT PRESSURE THE BIRTH PARENT! All it does is lead to a lot of heartache. It's not worth it. :( I've shed a lot of tears because someone thought they were doing the right thing.

I'm so sick of getting my hopes up. I am so sick of thinking I might actually be a mom. DO NOT tell me God has "a plan." Because, honestly, it takes a fucked up mind to willing put someone through as much loss and heartache as Chris and I have been through.

Don't tell me to pray. I'm sick and tired of praying and getting no where. Hundreds of people prayed for my twins. What'd that get me? 16 staples, A LOT of pain, and two dead babies to add to my count. What's the point in praying when "he has a plan" anyway? My prayers sure aren't changing that.

I don't want a lecture or a sermon about my anger at God. If you feel the need to give one, I strongly suggest you keep it to yourself. With the way I'm feeling at the moment, it could leading to us not talking for a while. You've been warned.

What can you do? Offer support. We're going to continue in our fundraising efforts. We can't give up. If I can't be a mom, I'm not sure I want to be anything.

BIG update

First, we had our final follow-up a few weeks ago. I'm healing just fine. I still get some occasional pain but that's from the scar tissue and is getting much less frequent.

At the follow-up, I asked a question I've wondered about for quite a while. With my pregnancy history, will I be considered high risk? The answer was an amazing NO. I can't express how happy this makes us (me). I have always wanted a natural birth. No induction, no drugs, and certainly no section. In today's society, it's hard to achieve this in a hospital setting. It's much more convenient for the doctors and hospital to intervene. Doctors don't want to wait around on baby. Hospitals make more money when they intervene.

I have known for quite some time that I want a homebirth. However, with my pregnancy history, I was worried that I would not be able to find a midwife to take me on. Now that I know I will not be considered high-risk, this seems like a much more realistic goal (assuming we ever get a pregnancy that sticks). :)

Now for the emotional update. Like any grieving person, I have good days and bad days. Or rather, good hours and bad hours. It really is an hour by hour thing. I find that reminders are everywhere. One day I'll be fine seeing/hearing something and the next, it brings unbearable pain.

I also find that, even ten weeks later, I still have a hard time accepting that we have six babies in Heaven. Twins really threw me for a loop. Don't get me wrong, I know I've lost six, it just doesn't seem real.

Surprisingly our reactions to this loss has been very different. In the past, Chris has always been ready to go right away. He's always been ready to try again, to move forward. Me it has varied. Some losses I couldn't stand the thought of trying ever again and others I was ready right away. This time, though, I can't make up my mind. I went from being indifferent, to "let's do it!", to I don't ever want to be pregnant again. However, I still feel the need to get a baby in my home ASAP. I want to push forward and foster/adopt as soon as humanly possible. Chris feels he needs more time. He had more time and dr appointments to get excited. Not only did he have his hopes crushed, he had to spend a good 9-10 hours terrified that he'd lose me too. (The thought of me dying never crossed my mind until days after the surgery. I was too focused on the babies...I guess a mother's love does that.) I completely understand this; it's just frustrating being at two very different places right now.

So, where does that leave us? At the moment, I'm not overly sure. The next round of PRIDE classes starts in 6ish weeks. Chris and I have yet to really discuss whether or not we will attend them. I want to, I'm ready, but he's not. Maybe he will be in six weeks, who knows.

We are however, amping up our efforts in fundraising. I have to feel like I'm doing *something* right now. We have started an Etsy shop with donations from friends. It is very small right now, but we have three people working on items they'll be sending us soon.

We are also starting to gather items for our "community sale." I've been calling it that, but really, I'm going to be setting up at the flea market. We have stuff from our house along with stuff from four people so far! Our goal is to acquire enough to make it through the summer and still be able to set up at the Rt. 11 crawl in August.

We have a couple other fundraisers in mind as well, but don't want to have too many going at once. A puzzle fundraiser will be started in the coming months though!

I think that about covers it all. Between going back to work and fundraising, I just haven't been able to update sooner. I'll be back to update soon as things get under way!

Irrational Sadness

Today at work I attended a play. I was looking forward to the play since I knew almost all of the kids. However, at the very beginning I had this thought that I'd never get to see Katherine and Samuel in an elementary school program. Realistically, even if we hadn't lost the twins, we (I) plan to homeschool so our kids wouldn't be in these plays anyway. I tried telling myself this, but it didn't make the sadness go away any. :( It became a tad difficult to focus after that.

Little things

It's amazing the little things that can set off grief. I guess I've always known that this was the case, I guess I just forgot. Nevertheless, it always catches me by surprise.

The most recent was watching Father of the Bride. The scene where Nina (mom) learns of Annie's (daughter) engagement. In this scene, Nina is smiling and crying as she cusps Annie's face. Kinda like this:

This picture was taken as right as mom learned about the twins. My heart breaks even more knowing the pain she (and so many others) experienced with the loss of our precious babies. I know it's not my fault and that nothing could've been done but yet I feel guilty. I loved sharing my babies with everyone for those few days, but feel like an ass for dashing their hopes. :(