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It's back-to-school time. That means sales and post galore of the first day of school. It seems that everywhere I turn there is a preschooler going to school for the first time. It hurts. Dominic should be starting homeschool preschool this year. (Well, technically if he wanted to we could have started last year but this year we'd be doing it no matter what).
I want to homeschool so bad! It's probably the thing I look forward to most...and yet I'm forced to wait another several years before I can do so. :( I want to be at a park right now or at the table working. I want to be trying to get Gwen, Aiden, and Jill to let Dominic work. (Even if that means they all have to nap!)
I want to be planning lessons and brainstorming. I want to know his learning style and be looking at Kindergarten curricula. I want to know if Gwen would decide she wants to do it with her big brother and doesn't want to wait a year.
I hate having to imagine what it would be like. I should KNOW. =(
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Failed Adoption
I contacted a woman regarding adoption a couple of weeks ago and at first it seemed perfect. There were some red flags from the beginning but given her situation we decided to take the wait and see approach. However, as time went on we became more and more uncomfortable with the situation. In fact, in her last email to me she admitted that the paternal grandmother may try (and succeed) to convince the father not to sign TPR. That combined with many other issues was just too much.
We've been hurt so many times. I can't keep this going and have it fall through in Dec/Jan. (She is due Jan 13th, but with it being twins, chances are they'd come before that.)
I had a breakdown today. The emotions completely blindsided me. It's like I got pregnant four times only to be told "Psyche! Just kidding. You can't have them." Then go on to adopt twins only to be laughed at again. Oh, and let's not forget the time we tried to adopt my nephew only to have that fall through...and the teen that was considering adoption only to miscarry. I feel like I'm some cosmic joke...like I'm just a toy for God and the angels or something.
We've been hurt so many times. I can't keep this going and have it fall through in Dec/Jan. (She is due Jan 13th, but with it being twins, chances are they'd come before that.)
I had a breakdown today. The emotions completely blindsided me. It's like I got pregnant four times only to be told "Psyche! Just kidding. You can't have them." Then go on to adopt twins only to be laughed at again. Oh, and let's not forget the time we tried to adopt my nephew only to have that fall through...and the teen that was considering adoption only to miscarry. I feel like I'm some cosmic joke...like I'm just a toy for God and the angels or something.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Scare of my Life!
Okay, so this is a bit late but I still wanted to post it.
On my way home from babysitting last Wednesday I got a call from my husband warning me about an accident. He told me "There is no way around it but make sure you're in the left lane because a car is on it's side in the right lane. The tow truck is here now." Sure enough, I got stuck waiting. While waiting SEVEN emergency vehicles passed. I thought maybe they were going to the accident I was in traffic for (but of course with the tow truck there that really didn't make sense).
Turns out, there was a second accident on the next road I take home. Immediately, I panicked. The timing was about right for when Chris would've been going through there. I did the only thing I could: I imagined the worst and prayed. Prayed that it wasn't Chris. Prayed for whoever it was that required all 15 emergency vehicles. When an ambulance left, no lights, no sirens, I really panicked. There were way too many emergency vehicles to be no injuries. I didn't even think minor injuries were possible. In my mind, the person had to be dead. I still didn't know that this wasn't Chris though. That freaked me out that much more.
Finally after an hour of sitting not moving with no cell service (and no courage to get out of the car and ask people on other vehicles if I could use theirs), I stopped the media. With my voice shaking, I asked the question I was terrified of. Did the accident involve a green Corolla?
Oh the relief! I had barely thanked them when the tears came. Tears of absolute joy. My husband was home safe and sound! As soon as I walked in the door I told him I loved him and pulled him in a long, tight hug. Then came the second wave of tears. With me unable to speak, he just stood there hugging me and confused.
After I calmed and told him, he told me he had known about the accident and had tried calling me to make sure I was ok. Of course I didn't have signal so it went to voicemail, leaving him worried that I was in the accident. He told me he was just getting ready to come out and look for me to make sure.
It was horrible. I never, ever want to live through that fear again!
On my way home from babysitting last Wednesday I got a call from my husband warning me about an accident. He told me "There is no way around it but make sure you're in the left lane because a car is on it's side in the right lane. The tow truck is here now." Sure enough, I got stuck waiting. While waiting SEVEN emergency vehicles passed. I thought maybe they were going to the accident I was in traffic for (but of course with the tow truck there that really didn't make sense).
Turns out, there was a second accident on the next road I take home. Immediately, I panicked. The timing was about right for when Chris would've been going through there. I did the only thing I could: I imagined the worst and prayed. Prayed that it wasn't Chris. Prayed for whoever it was that required all 15 emergency vehicles. When an ambulance left, no lights, no sirens, I really panicked. There were way too many emergency vehicles to be no injuries. I didn't even think minor injuries were possible. In my mind, the person had to be dead. I still didn't know that this wasn't Chris though. That freaked me out that much more.
Finally after an hour of sitting not moving with no cell service (and no courage to get out of the car and ask people on other vehicles if I could use theirs), I stopped the media. With my voice shaking, I asked the question I was terrified of. Did the accident involve a green Corolla?
Oh the relief! I had barely thanked them when the tears came. Tears of absolute joy. My husband was home safe and sound! As soon as I walked in the door I told him I loved him and pulled him in a long, tight hug. Then came the second wave of tears. With me unable to speak, he just stood there hugging me and confused.
After I calmed and told him, he told me he had known about the accident and had tried calling me to make sure I was ok. Of course I didn't have signal so it went to voicemail, leaving him worried that I was in the accident. He told me he was just getting ready to come out and look for me to make sure.
It was horrible. I never, ever want to live through that fear again!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Living with Histiocytosis
By now it's no secret that I am very involved with the "Histio Family" in honor of my best friend's son. As a result of my involvement, I have "met" many warriors.
One such warrior is 9 year old Taylor. She has ND CNS LCH, or Neuro-degenerative Central Nervous System Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis. What this means is that the LCH is attacking her central nervous system (think brain and spinal cord) and breaking it down. Because of this she also has Diabetes Insipidus, or DI. DI occurs when LCH attacks the pituitary gland causing the body to not be able to absorb water properly. Because of her illness, Taylor will always be on medications. She will always worry about the LCH flaring up again. She is currently receiving chemo therapies which not only make her ill, but also make her very susceptible to other illnesses and infections. While on chemo, she has to worry about the slightest fever. Even a low fever, that you and I might ignore, could mean a hospital admission for Taylor.
When asked if she wanted to share with others about her illnesses, she jumped at the chance. After receiving permission from both Taylor and her mom, I am sharing this because I think the world needs to hear it.
Wow. "I know that histio is rare so that means alot of people don't have it but it doesn't mean that kids like me with histio don't matter." You may wonder where she's gotten the idea that people think kids (and adults!) with Histio don't matter. To find the answer, you don't have to look any further than our government. Researchers are consistently denied grants and funding because Histiocytosis doesn't affect enough people. Instead the money goes to heart disease, diabetes, or childhood obesity. Don't get me wrong, those are important causes too, but do they really have to get ALL of the money?
And what about this part? "Sometimes I am afraid to go to sleep because I am afraid I am going to die." If this doesn't bring tears to your eyes, well, you just might not have a heart. Taylor is NINE. Just nine. For a nine year old, to be too scared to sleep, not because of monsters or the boogie man, but because she's afraid her disease is going to KILL her, well, it just breaks my heart.
So, now that I've tugged at your heart a little, you want to know what you can do. You can start by learning more at www.histio.org You can donate to research on that site as well. And, perhaps most importantly, you can spread the word. As a wise adult with LCH says "Make Histio AWARE, not RARE."
One such warrior is 9 year old Taylor. She has ND CNS LCH, or Neuro-degenerative Central Nervous System Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis. What this means is that the LCH is attacking her central nervous system (think brain and spinal cord) and breaking it down. Because of this she also has Diabetes Insipidus, or DI. DI occurs when LCH attacks the pituitary gland causing the body to not be able to absorb water properly. Because of her illness, Taylor will always be on medications. She will always worry about the LCH flaring up again. She is currently receiving chemo therapies which not only make her ill, but also make her very susceptible to other illnesses and infections. While on chemo, she has to worry about the slightest fever. Even a low fever, that you and I might ignore, could mean a hospital admission for Taylor.
When asked if she wanted to share with others about her illnesses, she jumped at the chance. After receiving permission from both Taylor and her mom, I am sharing this because I think the world needs to hear it.
"My mom asked me if I wanted to try to talk about histiocytosis & tell people my story & I said yes. I want to tell people about Histiocytosis because if I tell people I have it they don't even know what it is. Alot of times they say that I look fine & don't look sick but I don't always feel fine inside. I know what it feels like to have histiocytosis & alot of the time it hurts. I have to have chemotherapy & I get really tired, I get bad mouth sores from chemo & then if I am hungry I can't eat, I get headaches, my belly hurts, I get alot of muscle cramps & I even throw up sometimes. I had to go to the hospital alot of times because I got sick with a fever. But the worst part is I can't do things with my friends or play soccer during chemo week & sometimes even when I don't have chemo because I just don't feel good. Sometimes I am afraid to go to sleep because I am afraid I am going to die. Dr. V tells me that I am going to be ok & I really love her for taking care of me. Even when I feel really bad I always try to keep smiling, I know that everyone worries about me & when I smile they smile. I know that histio is rare so that means alot of people don't have it but it doesn't mean that kids like me with histio don't matter. I really want to teach everyone about histio & help Dr. V find a cure so that it goes away & never comes back."
Wow. "I know that histio is rare so that means alot of people don't have it but it doesn't mean that kids like me with histio don't matter." You may wonder where she's gotten the idea that people think kids (and adults!) with Histio don't matter. To find the answer, you don't have to look any further than our government. Researchers are consistently denied grants and funding because Histiocytosis doesn't affect enough people. Instead the money goes to heart disease, diabetes, or childhood obesity. Don't get me wrong, those are important causes too, but do they really have to get ALL of the money?
And what about this part? "Sometimes I am afraid to go to sleep because I am afraid I am going to die." If this doesn't bring tears to your eyes, well, you just might not have a heart. Taylor is NINE. Just nine. For a nine year old, to be too scared to sleep, not because of monsters or the boogie man, but because she's afraid her disease is going to KILL her, well, it just breaks my heart.
So, now that I've tugged at your heart a little, you want to know what you can do. You can start by learning more at www.histio.org You can donate to research on that site as well. And, perhaps most importantly, you can spread the word. As a wise adult with LCH says "Make Histio AWARE, not RARE."
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Due Dates and adoption
Based on EDD's (estimated due dates) I should have an almost 4 year old (in Oct), a 3 year old (next week), a 2 year old (in less than a month), and an 8 month old (tomorrow).
I hate July. It's one of those months that provides a strong reminder of what I'm not allowed to have for whatever reason. I know we're working toward adoption, ever-so-slowly, but it's not the same.
Do I doubt that I'll love the adopted child any less? Not at all. I've always wanted to adopt. In fact, I wanted to adopt LONG before I decided I wanted biological children. It's more the fact of knowing that my genes will never be carried on, nor will my husband's. I will never create a life that gets to live outside of my womb. I will never feel a baby kick inside me. I won't feel those first bouts of the hiccups. I'll never have my water break. There are just so many things you cannot do with an adopted child that you could with a biological child during those first 9 months of the baby's existence. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't miss that.
I hate July. It's one of those months that provides a strong reminder of what I'm not allowed to have for whatever reason. I know we're working toward adoption, ever-so-slowly, but it's not the same.
Do I doubt that I'll love the adopted child any less? Not at all. I've always wanted to adopt. In fact, I wanted to adopt LONG before I decided I wanted biological children. It's more the fact of knowing that my genes will never be carried on, nor will my husband's. I will never create a life that gets to live outside of my womb. I will never feel a baby kick inside me. I won't feel those first bouts of the hiccups. I'll never have my water break. There are just so many things you cannot do with an adopted child that you could with a biological child during those first 9 months of the baby's existence. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't miss that.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
And it starts!
Within hours of the announcement we had people asking how they could help. A few of those ladies, rather than asking, offered to run a fundraiser for us. The first is now up and running: https://kcardwell.scentsy.us/Buy?partyId=38314673
Kristin has gracious offered to let this run for 6 weeks and is giving us 100% of her profit from this party. Please take a look and spread the word. After 4 losses and more than a year of infertility, it feels great to be on the road to a baby.
Kristin has gracious offered to let this run for 6 weeks and is giving us 100% of her profit from this party. Please take a look and spread the word. After 4 losses and more than a year of infertility, it feels great to be on the road to a baby.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
New plan (again)
Hopefully, this will be our last ever 'new plan.'
Today we went to an adoption seminar. I won't bore you with all the details. I will say that Chris and I are both glad we went. There were three attorneys present that spoke about the local laws. Going in, I was nervous that this would either make it seem like it was impossible for us or that it would cause some bickering between us. If you remember from previous posts, we haven't exactly been on the same page about timing of all this.
Anyways, back to the plan. We're going to start with making a list of things that we'd like done before a home study. We're given ourselves one week to create the list. We're then taking one week for each item on the list.
Once the list is mostly done, we'll start looking for an attorney and home study agency. Then, finally, we'll start networking. :) I'm so excited and relieved to finally be moving forward with something.
Today we went to an adoption seminar. I won't bore you with all the details. I will say that Chris and I are both glad we went. There were three attorneys present that spoke about the local laws. Going in, I was nervous that this would either make it seem like it was impossible for us or that it would cause some bickering between us. If you remember from previous posts, we haven't exactly been on the same page about timing of all this.
Anyways, back to the plan. We're going to start with making a list of things that we'd like done before a home study. We're given ourselves one week to create the list. We're then taking one week for each item on the list.
Once the list is mostly done, we'll start looking for an attorney and home study agency. Then, finally, we'll start networking. :) I'm so excited and relieved to finally be moving forward with something.
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