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As I always do after a loss, I've been questioning whether or not I want to risk going through aother miscarriage. A good friend and I were talking about it last night and I think I've decided.
I probably will risk it again. Chris really wants a living (biological) child and it wouldn't be very fair of me to flat out refuse that option. I couldn't ask him to get snipped knowing how badly he wants a child and I'm never doing hormonal birth control again.
The losses are hard on me, yes, but they're hard on him too. After all he's done for me, I can't not take his feelings into consideration. Are his feelings more important? No. But, likewise, mine don't outweigh his either. I have no right to take away his chance at a biological child.
That being said, I will continue to try (or at least not prevent) for a while still. Since I lost my left fallopian tube with this pregnancy, the risk of another ectopic is just the same as everyone else's risk. At this point the risk is the same as it was before we conceived the twins.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Follow-up Appt Update
They were unable to do genetic testing. There wasn't enough "material" left in the uterus (though I hadn't bled any?) to test and they cannot test Baby B (Samuel) because ectopics are abnormal anyway.
He gave me a new pain med. I skipped a dose of pain meds yesterday because of the side effects and the pain not being THAT bad. When skipping the dose the nausea got REALLY bad which made me worry that it was from withdrawals so I decided no more. I talked to the doctor today and he had no problem with me not taking the Percocet but wanted me on SOMETHING. (I have yet to try it. I really waant it right now but I'm home alone and it's probably best to try new meds with someone else around. Meds tend to act very strongly with me.
He also told me to double my anti-nausea med.
No trying for two cycles. No sex or work for six weeks.
My staples were removed and now I have tape strips. I've been told to start putting neosporin on the staple holes twice a day. He also said to "continue to just let soap and water run over the incision" so I guess I'll START that. When I asked about showers at the hospital the nurse said to let water run over it...she never said soap so I've been making sure to keep soap away from it.
I go back in a week. Maybe the waiting room won't have four big pregnant ladies and a kid named Dominic (who's only slightly older than mine would be). :(
He gave me a new pain med. I skipped a dose of pain meds yesterday because of the side effects and the pain not being THAT bad. When skipping the dose the nausea got REALLY bad which made me worry that it was from withdrawals so I decided no more. I talked to the doctor today and he had no problem with me not taking the Percocet but wanted me on SOMETHING. (I have yet to try it. I really waant it right now but I'm home alone and it's probably best to try new meds with someone else around. Meds tend to act very strongly with me.
He also told me to double my anti-nausea med.
No trying for two cycles. No sex or work for six weeks.
My staples were removed and now I have tape strips. I've been told to start putting neosporin on the staple holes twice a day. He also said to "continue to just let soap and water run over the incision" so I guess I'll START that. When I asked about showers at the hospital the nurse said to let water run over it...she never said soap so I've been making sure to keep soap away from it.
I go back in a week. Maybe the waiting room won't have four big pregnant ladies and a kid named Dominic (who's only slightly older than mine would be). :(
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Home
Just a quick update to say we are home. It's been a rough adjustment. Just because I'm home doesn't mean I capable of doing much of anything. I still need a great deal of help for even the smallest things. Chris took the whole week off of work to help me and I am so glad. If he hadn't we would've had to have a family member or friend come stay with me. It's super-painful to even lean forward to pick up a drink. A lot of times I find that I need help just to transition between sitting and standing.
Monday, January 2, 2012
In the hospital
This past Tuesday evening I began to have a little pain in my side. I immediately thought about calling the on call doctor but decided that I was probably overeacting so I chose to wait until my already scheduled appointmoint.
On Wednesday at the appointment, we recieved some bad news. The baby had already passed. The tech did make sure to look at the tube but there was nothing to be seen.
Thursday evening, the pain came back with a vengance. By 4am Friday morning I was nauseated and in tears from the pain. I woke Chris up and we headed to the ER. In the ER, they found something in the tube but couldn't be sure about what it was they were seeing. Obviously they were concerned about it being a baby. However, the area didn't have an increased blood flow like a baby would have. It was decided that I would go home on the promise that I come back to the ER if it got worse, and would return Saturday (no matter what) for repeat tests.
The pain subsided greatiy but apparently things had gotten much worse. I ended up being admitted pretty quickly, By 7:30 that evening, I was in the OR for emergency surgery. We were pregnant with twins in a rare heterotopic pregnancy. My left fallopian tube was bleeding out in several places. Unfortunately, the doctor was unable to save my tube. Because the baby implanted so close to the uterus, the doctor also had to take a small corner of the uterus that was damaged.
Recovery from surgery got off to a rough start (thanks to being allergic to Delaudid and a nurse that didn't notice that). Yesterday's day nurse caught it pretty much right away and things went MUCH better after that.
As of right now, we're unsure of when we'll get to go home. Maybe this evening, maybe tomorrow.
On Wednesday at the appointment, we recieved some bad news. The baby had already passed. The tech did make sure to look at the tube but there was nothing to be seen.
Thursday evening, the pain came back with a vengance. By 4am Friday morning I was nauseated and in tears from the pain. I woke Chris up and we headed to the ER. In the ER, they found something in the tube but couldn't be sure about what it was they were seeing. Obviously they were concerned about it being a baby. However, the area didn't have an increased blood flow like a baby would have. It was decided that I would go home on the promise that I come back to the ER if it got worse, and would return Saturday (no matter what) for repeat tests.
The pain subsided greatiy but apparently things had gotten much worse. I ended up being admitted pretty quickly, By 7:30 that evening, I was in the OR for emergency surgery. We were pregnant with twins in a rare heterotopic pregnancy. My left fallopian tube was bleeding out in several places. Unfortunately, the doctor was unable to save my tube. Because the baby implanted so close to the uterus, the doctor also had to take a small corner of the uterus that was damaged.
Recovery from surgery got off to a rough start (thanks to being allergic to Delaudid and a nurse that didn't notice that). Yesterday's day nurse caught it pretty much right away and things went MUCH better after that.
As of right now, we're unsure of when we'll get to go home. Maybe this evening, maybe tomorrow.
Monday, December 26, 2011
We have news!
Pregnancy number 5 has begun! Once again, I'll do a Q&A style blog again. If there's anything I've left out that you want to know, feel free to ask.
When did you find out? We found out a week ago today.
How far along are you? 6 weeks 1 day today
When are you due? August 19, 2012
How big is the baby currently? Baby is a size of a lentil. :)
How are you feeling? Tired! I can't get enough sleep. I've had some nausea but nothing too awful.
What was your first symptoms? Fatigue and a "cold." I have gotten a "cold' with every pregnancy.
Have you been to the doctor? Just for bloodwork. Tomorrow is my third lab appointment.
Were you trying? Not really. We weren't preventing either.
How did you tell? When I first saw the test, I called Chris at work and just said "Congrats Daddy" when he answered.
For my family, my niece helped me make a shirt that she wore on Christmas morning. It said "I'm gonna be a BIG cousin!!" It took a few minutes for them to read it, but once they did, they were ecstatic and bawling. :)
For his family, we used cookies. We used sugar cookies to write out "C + A = 3" and "8-19-12" below that. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law got it pretty quickly. His dad needed a little help.
Are you excited, scared, or both? Very excited. A little scared. I'm mostly excited but waves of fear definitely surface!
When did you find out? We found out a week ago today.
How far along are you? 6 weeks 1 day today
When are you due? August 19, 2012
How big is the baby currently? Baby is a size of a lentil. :)
How are you feeling? Tired! I can't get enough sleep. I've had some nausea but nothing too awful.
What was your first symptoms? Fatigue and a "cold." I have gotten a "cold' with every pregnancy.
Have you been to the doctor? Just for bloodwork. Tomorrow is my third lab appointment.
Were you trying? Not really. We weren't preventing either.
How did you tell? When I first saw the test, I called Chris at work and just said "Congrats Daddy" when he answered.
For my family, my niece helped me make a shirt that she wore on Christmas morning. It said "I'm gonna be a BIG cousin!!" It took a few minutes for them to read it, but once they did, they were ecstatic and bawling. :)
For his family, we used cookies. We used sugar cookies to write out "C + A = 3" and "8-19-12" below that. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law got it pretty quickly. His dad needed a little help.
Are you excited, scared, or both? Very excited. A little scared. I'm mostly excited but waves of fear definitely surface!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Bitterness
Lately, I've found that my bitterness is back. Almost every Facebook post about a pregnancy/baby/child causes me to feel very bitter. Really, it's not just facebook. JM's stupid celeb crap on the side is ticking me off too. I really don't care about who's due this month or having a baby or whatever...and I certainly have no desire to see the big pregnant belly that is on the side bar.
Of course, then there's the fact that while I know the pain would never completely disappear, I sure didn't expect to feel this bitter almost five years later! I hate this. Why do the emotions insist on resurfacing anytime I finally start to think "I'm doing pretty well"
(Yes, this is the same as my RPL post, but I would like to think that a few others read the blog that aren't from RPL.)
Of course, then there's the fact that while I know the pain would never completely disappear, I sure didn't expect to feel this bitter almost five years later! I hate this. Why do the emotions insist on resurfacing anytime I finally start to think "I'm doing pretty well"
(Yes, this is the same as my RPL post, but I would like to think that a few others read the blog that aren't from RPL.)
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
A New Kind of Dream
Over the years, I've had many dreams about our journey, none of them happy. Most of these dreams have involved another miscarriage. Usually, in the rare dream in which we successfully carry to term, the babe is diagnosed with histio shortly after birth. The dream I had a few nights ago was different.
I dreamed that I was very pregnant only I wasn't showing. In my dream, my water broke but I wasn't really contracting. In the dream, the hospital was very okay with me having a natural birth. Despite my water breaking, they sent me home to wait.
At one point, while waiting to go into active labor, we were at a store. I was sitting down to rub my belly during a mild contraction. A teacher from one of my schools saw this and asked me if I was pregnant. Beaming, I told her "yes." She then asked me how far along I was. Only, because I wasn't showing, she wouldn't believe me when I told her I was already full term, that my water had broken, and that I was contracting.
Also, in the dream I was telling both Chris and the doctors to just take the baby already. I was terrified at the thought of an infection now that the baby didn't have any amniotic fluid to protect it. I know that this bit stems from losing my brother this way. I kept saying "This baby will not die like Donald Nicholas did!" I think this is the only situation in which I would opt for (and possibly demand) a c-section). Those who know me, know that I am (and always have been) very pro-natural birth.
Anyway, I can't quite figure out what was up with me being pregnant and not showing. Maybe it has something to do with our plans to adopt. All I know is I was thrilled to have a dream where the baby was both alive and healthy. Perhaps, this is a sign that my subconscious is finally starting to heal.
I dreamed that I was very pregnant only I wasn't showing. In my dream, my water broke but I wasn't really contracting. In the dream, the hospital was very okay with me having a natural birth. Despite my water breaking, they sent me home to wait.
At one point, while waiting to go into active labor, we were at a store. I was sitting down to rub my belly during a mild contraction. A teacher from one of my schools saw this and asked me if I was pregnant. Beaming, I told her "yes." She then asked me how far along I was. Only, because I wasn't showing, she wouldn't believe me when I told her I was already full term, that my water had broken, and that I was contracting.
Also, in the dream I was telling both Chris and the doctors to just take the baby already. I was terrified at the thought of an infection now that the baby didn't have any amniotic fluid to protect it. I know that this bit stems from losing my brother this way. I kept saying "This baby will not die like Donald Nicholas did!" I think this is the only situation in which I would opt for (and possibly demand) a c-section). Those who know me, know that I am (and always have been) very pro-natural birth.
Anyway, I can't quite figure out what was up with me being pregnant and not showing. Maybe it has something to do with our plans to adopt. All I know is I was thrilled to have a dream where the baby was both alive and healthy. Perhaps, this is a sign that my subconscious is finally starting to heal.
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