My babies

Update (and possible TMI alert)

Everyone has been asking for adoption updates. I often don't know what to say. I feel like I'm letting everyone else down by telling them there isn't much to update but there just isn't anything to share. We have a fundraiser coming up soon. I'll share the link then. Honestly, adoption is super-expensive. Until we can afford to have the homestudy done, there won't really be anything to share. After we pass a hime study, we will apply for grants. When i know we have those, then (and only then) will we step up our search. THAT'S when we may have regular updates on the project. But please know that this is not a fast or easy process. Please don't expect us to have a baby in a years time. It's not likely. :( It's unfair, yes, but it's what we're stuck dealing with.

That being said, Chris has been bitten by the baby bug again. He wants to try while we wait...only without the RE. I have mixed feelings. Part of me feels like it would be dishonest to be fundraising for adoption and trying to conceive at the same time. But another part of me feels that if you're helping by donating then you really want to see us fulfill our dreams of becoming parents, no matter how it happens. (Any donors want to share your feelings on the topic? Please be honest.)

And then there's the stress. I've really been enjoying not worrying about where I am in my cycle. I like not forcing myself to have sex just because of the cycle day I happen to be on. Sex is starting to be fun again. We're having sex because we want to, not because we have to. I don't have a doctor telling me have sex this night and this night but not this one. It's no longer a chore to be intimate. I'm just not sure I want to give up this progress for temping, charting, cervix checking, preseed, and pills. Not to mentioned the Soy induced side effects. :(

A friend posted these two poems on FaceBook. Author unknown on both.

Sorry I didn't get to stay.
To laugh and run and play.
To be there by your side.
I'm sorry that I had to die.

God sent me down to be with you,
to make your loving heart anew.
To help you look up and see
Both God and little me.

Mommy, I wish I could stay.
Just like I heard you pray.
But, all the angels did cry
when they told little me goodbye.

God didn't take me cause He's mad.
He didn't send me to make you sad.
But to give us both a chance to be
a love so precious .. don't you see?

Up here no trouble do I see
and the pretty angels sing to me.
The streets of gold is where I play
you'll come here too, mommy, someday.

Until the day you join me here,
I'll love you mommy, dear.
Each breeze you feel and see,
brings love and a kiss from me.

The Cord
We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Oh, how I miss my babies. We're coming up on Jillian's first "birthday" next week. Not sure what kind of cake Chris will make for her. Just over a week after hers is Dominic's "birthday." He'd be four. :( I hate when my dates are so close together. After Dominic's "birthday" we'll have just one more this year in November.

Broken Heart; Empty Arms

It's back-to-school time. That means sales and post galore of the first day of school. It seems that everywhere I turn there is a preschooler going to school for the first time. It hurts. Dominic should be starting homeschool preschool this year. (Well, technically if he wanted to we could have started last year but this year we'd be doing it no matter what).

I want to homeschool so bad! It's probably the thing I look forward to most...and yet I'm forced to wait another several years before I can do so. :( I want to be at a park right now or at the table working. I want to be trying to get Gwen, Aiden, and Jill to let Dominic work. (Even if that means they all have to nap!)

I want to be planning lessons and brainstorming. I want to know his learning style and be looking at Kindergarten curricula. I want to know if Gwen would decide she wants to do it with her big brother and doesn't want to wait a year.

I hate having to imagine what it would be like. I should KNOW. =(

Failed Adoption

I contacted a woman regarding adoption a couple of weeks ago and at first it seemed perfect. There were some red flags from the beginning but given her situation we decided to take the wait and see approach. However, as time went on we became more and more uncomfortable with the situation. In fact, in her last email to me she admitted that the paternal grandmother may try (and succeed) to convince the father not to sign TPR. That combined with many other issues was just too much.

We've been hurt so many times. I can't keep this going and have it fall through in Dec/Jan. (She is due Jan 13th, but with it being twins, chances are they'd come before that.)

I had a breakdown today. The emotions completely blindsided me. It's like I got pregnant four times only to be told "Psyche! Just kidding. You can't have them." Then go on to adopt twins only to be laughed at again. Oh, and let's not forget the time we tried to adopt my nephew only to have that fall through...and the teen that was considering adoption only to miscarry. I feel like I'm some cosmic joke...like I'm just a toy for God and the angels or something.

Scare of my Life!

Okay, so this is a bit late but I still wanted to post it.

On my way home from babysitting last Wednesday I got a call from my husband warning me about an accident. He told me "There is no way around it but make sure you're in the left lane because a car is on it's side in the right lane. The tow truck is here now." Sure enough, I got stuck waiting. While waiting SEVEN emergency vehicles passed. I thought maybe they were going to the accident I was in traffic for (but of course with the tow truck there that really didn't make sense).

Turns out, there was a second accident on the next road I take home. Immediately, I panicked. The timing was about right for when Chris would've been going through there. I did the only thing I could: I imagined the worst and prayed. Prayed that it wasn't Chris. Prayed for whoever it was that required all 15 emergency vehicles. When an ambulance left, no lights, no sirens, I really panicked. There were way too many emergency vehicles to be no injuries. I didn't even think minor injuries were possible. In my mind, the person had to be dead. I still didn't know that this wasn't Chris though. That freaked me out that much more.

Finally after an hour of sitting not moving with no cell service (and no courage to get out of the car and ask people on other vehicles if I could use theirs), I stopped the media. With my voice shaking, I asked the question I was terrified of. Did the accident involve a green Corolla?

Oh the relief! I had barely thanked them when the tears came. Tears of absolute joy. My husband was home safe and sound! As soon as I walked in the door I told him I loved him and pulled him in a long, tight hug. Then came the second wave of tears. With me unable to speak, he just stood there hugging me and confused.

After I calmed and told him, he told me he had known about the accident and had tried calling me to make sure I was ok. Of course I didn't have signal so it went to voicemail, leaving him worried that I was in the accident. He told me he was just getting ready to come out and look for me to make sure.

It was horrible. I never, ever want to live through that fear again!

Living with Histiocytosis

By now it's no secret that I am very involved with the "Histio Family" in honor of my best friend's son. As a result of my involvement, I have "met" many warriors.

One such warrior is 9 year old Taylor. She has ND CNS LCH, or Neuro-degenerative Central Nervous System Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis. What this means is that the LCH is attacking her central nervous system (think brain and spinal cord) and breaking it down. Because of this she also has Diabetes Insipidus, or DI. DI occurs when LCH attacks the pituitary gland causing the body to not be able to absorb water properly. Because of her illness, Taylor will always be on medications. She will always worry about the LCH flaring up again. She is currently receiving chemo therapies which not only make her ill, but also make her very susceptible to other illnesses and infections. While on chemo, she has to worry about the slightest fever. Even a low fever, that you and I might ignore, could mean a hospital admission for Taylor.

When asked if she wanted to share with others about her illnesses, she jumped at the chance. After receiving permission from both Taylor and her mom, I am sharing this because I think the world needs to hear it.

"My mom asked me if I wanted to try to talk about histiocytosis & tell people my story & I said yes. I want to tell people about Histiocytosis because if I tell people I have it they don't even know what it is. Alot of times they say that I look fine & don't look sick but I don't always feel fine inside. I know what it feels like to have histiocytosis & alot of the time it hurts. I have to have chemotherapy & I get really tired, I get bad mouth sores from chemo & then if I am hungry I can't eat, I get headaches, my belly hurts, I get alot of muscle cramps & I even throw up sometimes. I had to go to the hospital alot of times because I got sick with a fever. But the worst part is I can't do things with my friends or play soccer during chemo week & sometimes even when I don't have chemo because I just don't feel good. Sometimes I am afraid to go to sleep because I am afraid I am going to die. Dr. V tells me that I am going to be ok & I really love her for taking care of me. Even when I feel really bad I always try to keep smiling, I know that everyone worries about me & when I smile they smile. I know that histio is rare so that means alot of people don't have it but it doesn't mean that kids like me with histio don't matter. I really want to teach everyone about histio & help Dr. V find a cure so that it goes away & never comes back."

Wow. "I know that histio is rare so that means alot of people don't have it but it doesn't mean that kids like me with histio don't matter." You may wonder where she's gotten the idea that people think kids (and adults!) with Histio don't matter. To find the answer, you don't have to look any further than our government. Researchers are consistently denied grants and funding because Histiocytosis doesn't affect enough people. Instead the money goes to heart disease, diabetes, or childhood obesity. Don't get me wrong, those are important causes too, but do they really have to get ALL of the money?

And what about this part? "Sometimes I am afraid to go to sleep because I am afraid I am going to die." If this doesn't bring tears to your eyes, well, you just might not have a heart. Taylor is NINE. Just nine. For a nine year old, to be too scared to sleep, not because of monsters or the boogie man, but because she's afraid her disease is going to KILL her, well, it just breaks my heart.

So, now that I've tugged at your heart a little, you want to know what you can do. You can start by learning more at www.histio.org You can donate to research on that site as well. And, perhaps most importantly, you can spread the word. As a wise adult with LCH says "Make Histio AWARE, not RARE."