Reflections

As I say goodbye to 2010 and hello to 2011, I can't help reflecting on this past year as well as look ahead at what's to come.

2010 was a sad year in more ways than one. Not even three weeks into the year I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time. We were so hopeful. I was on the MTHFR meds. This was going to finally be it. Sadly, just a day later, I lost our precious baby. That same week my OB informed me he thought we should move to fertility medication. Talk about a blow!

Three months into the treatment and we still hadn't conceived. At this point, I was declared "beyond my help" by my OB and was referred to the local Reproductive Endocrinologist. The RE did loads of testing and really made me feel at ease. Sadly, the tests were all normal. I say sadly because that meant we can't prevent this from happening again. Dr. I told me he thinks that our problem is likely genetic (despite the karyotyping being normal). This to me means we'll never know if we're going to carry to term. We can't prevent the losses if their genetic. And even if we don't miscarry, MTHFR puts me at higher risk for stillbirth. After all the testing and news (or lack thereof!) I was delivered yet another blow. Despite my OB's referral, since we had not been trying for a consecutive year (we had taken a break leading up to our wedding), he wouldn't help us until October. (Even though he felt we needed him!)

Fast forward to October, we go back and start meds. The second month on them we doubled the dose and moved to IUI (intra-uterine-insemenation). Much to my surprise, we STILL did not conceive. That brings us to now. Our insurance doesn't pay a cent for treatment so we've taken a little break from treatment to catch up financially.

This past year has been difficult emotionally (losing a baby and becoming infertile), financially (dr bills and 10 months of unemployment), and physically (you try bombarding your body monthly with hormones!). In those ways, I'm more than happy to kick 2010 to the curb. I have high hopes for 2011, but am reminded that I had those same exact hopes for 2010.

It doesn't help that January brings pain. January 19 will be one year exactly since we said goodbye as our fourth child joined her sibling in Heaven. January 30th will be the third anniversary of losing my sweet Gwendolyn...her death has been the hardest on Mommy by far. (I was furthest along with her.) Then February 2 will mark four years since we began this horrible journey...the day we said goodbye to our first.

I'd love to look at it as a New Year will bring nothing but good, but that seems naive. The first 31 days will suck. They will be full of sorrow and fear of what's to come.

I want to cry.

Once again, due to my emotions, I am copy and pating. I apologize to my JM readers.

IUI #1 failed. AF just showed. :cry:

DH wants to try unmedicated this cycle so that we can financially catch up. I really don't want to wait, but I understand his point. I hate this.

This means that we won't stand a chance at having a baby by our second wedding anniversary. It also means we won't even be pregnant of the fourth anniversary of starting this journey. FOUR freaking years. My niece (who was an accident and born after my THIRD miscarriage) will be TWO before we have one.

Change of plans...again

The RE said the lining was nice and thick (12mm)...any one know what's considered normal?

He was very pleased with the follies. I had two on the left measuring 29mm and 30mm and one on the right at 22mm.

However, I did get some bad news. The post-coital test was awful. Pretty much all of the sperm were dead. :cry: I feel like such a failure. I feel...betrayed. First I got pregnant really easily. Heck, Dominic was a bcp baby. I just couldn't carry. Then my body decided to stop ovulating. I got over that with the theory at least we'll still be conceiving at home...even if we need meds to get me there. But now my body decides to KILL the sperm. Really, is this some sort of cruel joke? Because, I'm not finding it at all funny.

So, anyway, our plan very quickly changed. We're triggering at home tonight (instead of in office this morning) and going in Friday for an IUI. Luckily DH has to do some work that requires the network to go offline so he had scheduled to work Friday night for today. (As opposed to his usual just switching days which wouldn't have allowed for the IUI.)

I feel as though I'm grieving in a way. Grieving my "natural" conception. Betrayed by the fact that my body can't do a single thing right. Terrified, knowing that even if we do conceive on this plan, there is no assurance that I'm even going to be able to carry the pregnancy to term. We never did get an answer about WHY I kept miscarrying.

This is our last ditch effort. We've already agreed no IVF. If this doesn't work, we're done. (Of course, I don't know how many IUIs we'll agree too...)

TMI: Too Much Information

No, that's not a warning. What I mean is, I've come to learn that there really is such a thing. Again, I don't mean talking about how heavy your period is or what your cervical mucus is like, or even when you had sex. That's all part of being on a forum with women who are trying to conceive.

I love the women on JM. They're a huge support. But sometimes, I feel that I learn too much from them. For example, I now know that stillbirths aren't a thing of the past and the can and DO happen. I have this HUGE list in my head of things that can go wrong during a pregnancy, during a birth, and after birth. I know about the meds I'm on, when to expect which side effect, etc. Thanks to my JM ladies I have been able to have intelligent, informed conversations with my doctor. I have known what to ask him, what to expect, what monitoring should be done and when. They have prepared me in a way I never would have been able to prepare myself.

However, at times I wonder if I know too much. I spend my whole cycle worrying. "Will my meds work? Will the side effects be worse this month? How much worse? Did they work? Was that ovulation pain? It's too soon for that. Better go pee on a stick and see. Good it wasn't ovulation. Wait...what was it then? Is it a cyst? Did I not release last month? Is that why we didn't conceive? Does that mean this month was a waste of $200? Is my lining thick enough? What about my cervical mucus? Will that be better than last month?" That's just my worries up til now this month. If Wednesday's appointment goes well then there will be a whole new set of worries? "Did we have sex enough? Was it at the right time? Were sperm able to reach the egg(s)? Is the trigger gone? Is that nausea? Morning sickness? Flu? Wait, my breasts hurt, what's that mean? I just yelled at Chris...is that hormones or am I just being bitchy? Is that two lines? Am I seeing things?" Then if we are pregnant: "Do we tell people? Is this really our rainbow baby? Is that spotting? Was that that a cramp? Could it be happening a fifth time? Is the Heparin working? Can we find a heartbeat?" You get the picture. I just wish that sometimes I could be worry free and not think about all that comes with trying to conceive with medical assistance.

Update

This month the RE decided to up my dose. Apparently, this is standard for him if you don't conceive first try on the med. I'm not sure I like that practice, but agreed to give it a shot since he's known in the community as "the Miracle worker". We have a follicle scan on Weds. to check my progress.

Meds this month (Cycle #5 of Clomid, #25 of actively trying):
Clomid: 100mg
Mucinex: 1800mg
Novarel: 10000miu
Prenatal Vitamin
B6
B12

Let's home it works!

Cycle one of Clomid, Musinex, and trigger has been deemed a failure. :'( I had so much hope this cycle. I even prayed every day "Please Lord, let this work. Give us our rainbow baby." It feels like a slap in the face. Seventeen days. Seventeen days after trigger before AF came. I was considering calling today anyway for betas. Instead, I get to call for my med schedule.

For some reason this month is so much more heartbreaking than the others. I don't know if it's because I allowed myself to get my hopes up so high or if it's because I had faith that my prayers would be answered. Maybe it's that this month/this last cycle marks the end of year three of us trying. Whatever the cause, I noticed that it seemed harder on Chris as well.

In the four years since our first loss, I have never seen Chris look so deflated. It broke my heart. He looked as though he were fighting back tears. He managed to hold it together though. At one point, I asked him how he managed to stay so strong. He told me he didn't know. Then he said "I guess it's because I don't let myself get my hopes up. :( He should have to have that as a defense mechanism.

I hate this! It shouldn't be this damn hard to have a kid.

Overdue update

I know, I should have posted two weeks ago. Unfortunately, life happened. Since my last update we've attended two parties, thrown one, and have been told my brother has cancer. In all the craziness, I haven't had time to update.

The meds went well. Clomid had little side effects this month, though I know it builds in the system so the longer I'm on it the worse it gets. The Mucinex was very annoying but tolerable. The HCG had no side effects on than tenderness at the injection sight. The day of the injection I went to the doctor for a follicle scan and lining check. (Clomid is known to thin the uterine lining.) My lining was nice and thick. I had two follicles that would release; one on each ovary. Their measurements were 23mm and 30mm. Anything over 20mm will release.

I did not chart this month or do much of anything to track ovulation. I meant to, but just never got around to it. Regardless, I have a basic idea when it was because of the meds and scan.

That brings us to now. Now, we wait. I have some possible early pregnancy signs: irritibility, my normal early pg cold, my breasts hurt...but I know that these may be nothing too. I'm due to start any day. (Again, due to not pinpointing ovulation I cannot say for certain when my period is due.) Dr. I said that if I didn't start by today he would do a pregnancy test. However, knowing my body and the games it likes to play, Chris and I have decided to wait until Friday morning to call him.