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This month has been uneventful...other than the Clomid side effects, which are never ending. I'm 15 dpo today. Last cycle my LP was 16 days, so I'm not getting my hopes up yet.
For some reason, the past two days have been emotionally difficult. I really miss Jillian. I guess, it's finally hitting me or something...I would have been 13w today. I would be in the second trimester; just weeks away from the anatomy scan. I should still be breastfeeding Aiden...after all he'd only be 8 months old. I should have TWO toddlers running around.
Instead, I have none of that. I sit here with empty arms just waiting for my period to show so I can call the doctor and start the torture that is Clomid. Of course, maybe we'll get lucky and she won't show. Then we get to sit and wonder if the baby's still alive--if I'll start bleeding at any moment, repeating the process for a fifth time...
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
It's been a while...
I have been really bad about updating.
In my last post, I stated that we have entered the world of trying to conceive with medical assistance. On day 23 of my cycle last month I was to have my progesterone levels checked. I later found out that they were looking for a 15 to show a good ovulation. When my nurse called with the results, I was a big ball of nerves. She proceeded to tell me that my levels were "very high" and they were "pretty sure" that I was pregnant. She informed me that they wanted me to come in the next day for a blood test and then when it was positive (because they were sure it would be) they'd run my betas. (For those unfamiliar with betas, it's where they check my Hcg level {Hcg is the pregnancy hormone}.) She went on to explain that I would have to repeat the betas in a few days (to make sure my hcg levels were doubling every 48 hours). Halfway through the explanation she stopped and said "Wait, you already know this don't you." It was kind of funny, because well, I did know it. After three years, you learn a few things.
Anyway, I went in the next morning for my bloodwork, and much to everyone's surprise, the test was negative. Chris and I were heartbroken (again!) and went about our errands while we waited for the doctor to call. When doctor Leonard called, I could tell he was baffled. He still was not convinced that I wasn't pregnant. My progesterone levels were 68! when they were expecting a 15. He instructed me to come back in a week for a second blood test, because surely I'd be getting a positive by then. So we renewed a little hope, though not much. I started bleeding Saturday, I was never pregnant.
Monday morning, I called an let him know and got another prescription for Clomid. I started the pills Wednesday and the side effects kicked in within two hours. The mood swings haven't kicked in yet, but I'm sure they're coming.
When I talked to my doctor about the bloodwork, he'd made a comment about referring me to a specialist (i.e. Reproductive Endocrinologist) if "this keeps happening." Chris and I have decided that if we do not conceive this cycle we are going to request an RE. Next month will be our sixth month this time around and our last chance at a 2010 baby. Also, it will be our third medicated cycle and we're only allowed six before we have to give my body a break.
In my last post, I stated that we have entered the world of trying to conceive with medical assistance. On day 23 of my cycle last month I was to have my progesterone levels checked. I later found out that they were looking for a 15 to show a good ovulation. When my nurse called with the results, I was a big ball of nerves. She proceeded to tell me that my levels were "very high" and they were "pretty sure" that I was pregnant. She informed me that they wanted me to come in the next day for a blood test and then when it was positive (because they were sure it would be) they'd run my betas. (For those unfamiliar with betas, it's where they check my Hcg level {Hcg is the pregnancy hormone}.) She went on to explain that I would have to repeat the betas in a few days (to make sure my hcg levels were doubling every 48 hours). Halfway through the explanation she stopped and said "Wait, you already know this don't you." It was kind of funny, because well, I did know it. After three years, you learn a few things.
Anyway, I went in the next morning for my bloodwork, and much to everyone's surprise, the test was negative. Chris and I were heartbroken (again!) and went about our errands while we waited for the doctor to call. When doctor Leonard called, I could tell he was baffled. He still was not convinced that I wasn't pregnant. My progesterone levels were 68! when they were expecting a 15. He instructed me to come back in a week for a second blood test, because surely I'd be getting a positive by then. So we renewed a little hope, though not much. I started bleeding Saturday, I was never pregnant.
Monday morning, I called an let him know and got another prescription for Clomid. I started the pills Wednesday and the side effects kicked in within two hours. The mood swings haven't kicked in yet, but I'm sure they're coming.
When I talked to my doctor about the bloodwork, he'd made a comment about referring me to a specialist (i.e. Reproductive Endocrinologist) if "this keeps happening." Chris and I have decided that if we do not conceive this cycle we are going to request an RE. Next month will be our sixth month this time around and our last chance at a 2010 baby. Also, it will be our third medicated cycle and we're only allowed six before we have to give my body a break.
Monday, February 1, 2010
I've been putting this off...
The day after I posted the good new, we miscarried yet again. Jillian Evelyn went to be with her brothers and sister at 4w gestation on Jan 19, 2010.
The doctor put me on Clomid, a fertility drug to help make sure I ovulate since we're not sure I do on my own consistently. It went ok, with minimal side effects...I'll probably post more about that later. I go on the 10th for bloodwork to try and see if it worked.
Saturday was two years since Gwen went to Heaven. Surprisingly, I handled the day fairly well. We also told his family Saturday about our losses. I'm so glad it's finally out in the open!
Tomorrow is the third anniversary of Dominic's passing. I'm not sure how I'll handle it. It's hard to think that we've been on this journey for three years and all we have to show is a bag of baby stuff that's never been used and heavy hearts...
The doctor put me on Clomid, a fertility drug to help make sure I ovulate since we're not sure I do on my own consistently. It went ok, with minimal side effects...I'll probably post more about that later. I go on the 10th for bloodwork to try and see if it worked.
Saturday was two years since Gwen went to Heaven. Surprisingly, I handled the day fairly well. We also told his family Saturday about our losses. I'm so glad it's finally out in the open!
Tomorrow is the third anniversary of Dominic's passing. I'm not sure how I'll handle it. It's hard to think that we've been on this journey for three years and all we have to show is a bag of baby stuff that's never been used and heavy hearts...
Monday, January 18, 2010
3w 6d
also known as 12 days past ovulation. :)
As most of you know (since I spammed JM already), I am pregnant. :D I feel very hopeful, yet terrified at the same time. I do have a good feeling about it though. I am already taking measures to help keep this baby. I'm going to do the rest of today's entry in a q&a style.
When are you due?
I haven't had my dating ultrasound yet but I believe I'm due on September 28th, the day after our wedding anniversary.
Any symptoms?
Slight nausea, fatigue, weird dreams, heartburn today with lunch, and a few hot flashes.
Do you have names picked?
We do, we will share them later.
Will you find out the gender?
YEP! I wanna know asap.
How did you tell Chris?
I bought a "daddy-to-be" card, had a friend's son (who's three) sign it and give it to him at work :)
As most of you know (since I spammed JM already), I am pregnant. :D I feel very hopeful, yet terrified at the same time. I do have a good feeling about it though. I am already taking measures to help keep this baby. I'm going to do the rest of today's entry in a q&a style.
When are you due?
I haven't had my dating ultrasound yet but I believe I'm due on September 28th, the day after our wedding anniversary.
Any symptoms?
Slight nausea, fatigue, weird dreams, heartburn today with lunch, and a few hot flashes.
Do you have names picked?
We do, we will share them later.
Will you find out the gender?
YEP! I wanna know asap.
How did you tell Chris?
I bought a "daddy-to-be" card, had a friend's son (who's three) sign it and give it to him at work :)
Saturday, January 16, 2010
"Stop Trying So Hard"
Really? There are two days a month that a woman can get pregnant. I'm supposed to stop tracking my cycle (therefore not knowing when the egg will be there) and hope for the best. What the hell? Yea me not knowing when to have sex so that the egg can be fertilized is going to fix it all. Yep, me not caring is going to get me pregnant and help me STAY pregnant. People are fucking stupid.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Christmas
Another Christmas has come and gone; another holiday without my babies has passed. Like usual, I find myself looking back at how Christmas should have gone. I should have three kids celebrating. Dominic would be 26 months. Gwendolyn would be 17 months and Aiden would be a mere 5 months old. Yesterday, we would have celebrated at home as a family before going to my uncle's for dinner. Today we would have gone to our parents houses for Christmas. Instead, we celebrated with my niece at my mom's, went to his mom's, and then my uncle's. I miss my babies. I hate this...
Also, after some discussion, Chris and I have decided that even after ttc, I will continue the vitamins. MTHFR creates a deficiency, which is why I have to take them now. That deficiency isn't going to fix itself just because we're not trying for a baby. So I'll be taking four pills for the rest of my life. :(
Also, after some discussion, Chris and I have decided that even after ttc, I will continue the vitamins. MTHFR creates a deficiency, which is why I have to take them now. That deficiency isn't going to fix itself just because we're not trying for a baby. So I'll be taking four pills for the rest of my life. :(
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I got my diagnosis.
I have two MTHFR mutations. I don't know which mutations yet. I asked and he just said he'd send it to me. This diagnosis comes with good and bad news.
The bad news is MTHFR can be very nasty.
The good news is I have an answer and therefore a plan. I will be taking folic acid, B6, B12, and a prenatal vitamin daily. Once we're pregnant he said he'll start me on blood-thinners. However, Chris and I have decided to add a baby aspirin a day on our own. I have a hard time got positives on home pregnancy tests and we're worried about starting it too late and therefore losing another baby. Plus an aspirin a day will decrease my risk of a clot or stroke (since these mutations increases my chances).
This news is bittersweet. I am relieved to have an answer, a plan, hope. But I'm also scared and feeling guilty. I'm scared at the knowledge that we have a higher chance of having a special needs child. Don't get me wrong, we'll love our children just the same. We've even talked about adopting a special needs child, but I'm still scared. I feel guilty because we now know that it was a problem with MY BODY. I can't carry. It's my fault. How can I be smiling from relief and yet feel ready to burst into tears at any moment?
The bad news is MTHFR can be very nasty.
Those with the mutation show a higher propensity for thrombosis (blood clots), arteriosclerosis (hardening of arteries), Alzheimer's, stroke, heart attack, Fibromyalgia, migraines (especially with "Aura" migraines), osteoporotic fractures, bone marrow disorders and for those of child bearing years, it has found to be connected to higher incidences of down's syndrome, spina bifida, other neural tube defects, trisomy, miscarriage, stillbirth, implantation failure, placental abruption, preeclampsia, higher incidences of autism, amongst others.Source: http://www.fibromyalgia-symptoms.org/forums/Fibromyalgia_General_Discussion/MTHFR_Deficiency/
The good news is I have an answer and therefore a plan. I will be taking folic acid, B6, B12, and a prenatal vitamin daily. Once we're pregnant he said he'll start me on blood-thinners. However, Chris and I have decided to add a baby aspirin a day on our own. I have a hard time got positives on home pregnancy tests and we're worried about starting it too late and therefore losing another baby. Plus an aspirin a day will decrease my risk of a clot or stroke (since these mutations increases my chances).
This news is bittersweet. I am relieved to have an answer, a plan, hope. But I'm also scared and feeling guilty. I'm scared at the knowledge that we have a higher chance of having a special needs child. Don't get me wrong, we'll love our children just the same. We've even talked about adopting a special needs child, but I'm still scared. I feel guilty because we now know that it was a problem with MY BODY. I can't carry. It's my fault. How can I be smiling from relief and yet feel ready to burst into tears at any moment?
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