Health Nut a.k.a. Sylvia Mae

On Tuesday, Feb 5, I took a pregnancy test.  I'd been having some pregnancy symptoms and although, unlikely, I couldn't ignore the possibility.  I sat the test on my bed as I continued to get ready for work.  When I came back in a few moments later, I picked it up, looked, and said to Chris "I didn't think so--WAIT!"  Yep!  We had done it again!  Baby #7 was on the way.  We were elated! 

The baby quickly earned a nickname.  Fried foods made me sick.  Anything sweet tasted disgusting.  Fresh veggies though?  I could have eaten nothing but them and been on cloud 9.  She quickly became known in our little health nut.

My parents were already coming over for dinner on Saturday so we told them then.  On Sunday we told Chris's family over lunch.  Sadly, today, Monday, I became crampy and started bleeding.  A call to the doctor confirmed my hormone levels had dropped.  Baby was dead.

I had felt very strongly that the baby was a girl.  I often found myself referring to "her" naturally.  After much debate, we chose the name Sylvia Mae.  She was due Oct 15, 2013.  I was one day shy of five weeks pregnant.

I have a dream.

I have a dream.  In this dream I have no need to add more candles each year during the Wave of Light.  A dream in which my home is filled with laughter and even "You're mean!"  from time to time.  A dream where I have sore feet, not from an ongoing injury, but because I've stepped on Legos, Barbie shoes, or Hot Wheels.  I have a dream that someday (hopefully soon) a child will call me "Mommy". 

Three-Pronged Update

Twin Grief

The last month and a half have been hard grief-wise.  The twins were due August 19th.  When you consider my family history of premature births and the fact that twins are often early anyway, it's pretty safe to say I'd have two babies that were more than a month old already.

Reminders seem to be everywhere.  My sister-in-law was due 12 days before me.  She had her little one three weeks ago today.  I also have several friends that have had babies in the last 3 weeks.  While I love my niece (and my friend's kids), it is going to be extremely tough as all these babies start reaching milestones and reminding me of what Kat and Sam should be learning to do at that point.

Speaking of reminders, owls.  I can't go ANYWHERE without seeing an owl.  When I first found out that I was pregnant a fifth-time, I joined a due-date-club (DDC).  The DDC referred to the babies as their "Owlets" until they found out genders.  Every owl thing I see is a reminder that I should have two owlets.  The most recent "owl sighting" was at the Renaissance Faire.

Chris and I have gone to the Faire every single year since we met.  (We even got married there!)  Yesterday was our trip for the season.  It was harder than I expected.  Never with any of the other lost pregnancies did I feel a sense of grief and longing while there.  I think it was because the twins were due so close to the opening of Faire that it was one of my early thoughts in pregnancy.  I looked forward to taking two tiny babies with us.  It didn't help that I spotted newborn twins there which just served as an "in your face" moment. :(

Lastly, school.  School starts tomorrow.  With school starting I got to thinking about how things would be if we had all six babies alive and well.  (Now of course I know that never would have happened.  We wouldn't have had Gwen so soon after Dominic.  Wouldn't have tried for Jill if we had two/three already.  Never would have had five pregnancies before a vasectomy.)  Anyway, if we had all 6 here:  Dominic would be homeschooling for Kindergarten this year.  I'd be trying to get Gwen to do Kinder too since there was only 9 months between their due dates.  If Aiden was at all interested, he'd be doing preschool at home.  Jill might possibly be potty-training at 22 months old.  And we'd have two newborns.  INSANE!

Trying to Conceive

Since losing the twins I haven't been at all willing to even consider trying.  The whole experience was so traumatizing.  The recovery, so horrible.  The mere thought of a hospital birth (and therefore, likely c-section) was terrifying!

Almost eight months later, I think I've found a way around that.  We met a midwife last week and fell in love.  She made me feel so at ease that we're going to try again.  We are taking a laid-back approach and want to out-right say that if and when we conceive, we will tell you.  Do not ask us how it's going.  That just adds stress to an already stressful time.  (Also, never, ever, tell us to "Relax and it'll happen" or anything similar.  You do not know our full array of fertility issues, relaxing won't help a bit.  Don't patronize our efforts.)

If/when we conceive we will be delivering at a birthcenter with our midwife.  The first trimester of pregnancy will be done as dual care.  We will see my OB/GYN that I've used in the past for the incessant bloodwork and ultrasounds for the first trimester.  When I hit 12 weeks, I'll switch over to the midwife exclusively.

Foster Care

Yes, we are still planning on doing foster care.  For all we know it could be another two years to conceive (I hope not!) or we might have more losses (again I sure hope not!).  There's not a lot of update here.  We're still waiting on final approval before we can do anything.  It's frustrating because we'd been led to believe we'd have a kid by now, but there's not much we can do at this point other than wait.

Busy, busy, busy!

I could get used to this. :) We will be ready to accept kids within a couple of weeks. :) We hit quite a snag with our before/after school person backing out on us be after a lot of panic and phone calls, we've worked it out. Or at least, we think we have. There might be a slight problem in the afternoons but it'll work out.

 We have one more class on Saturday and background checks for family that has agreed to watch the kids if we need and that's it! The room is almost ready. We have the bunk bed built, have the mattresses paid for (pick them up tomorrow), have the bedding purchased...We have even started buying some school supplies--something I thought I'd never get to do. :)

We have a list of kids we're going to inquire about for adoption too. Our plan is to adopt one and foster another. I'm so excited.

I don't think words can fully describe how I'm feeling. In a way, it hasn't even set in yet. Despite, the social worker telling me, nothing will stop it at this point, I still feel anxious and reserved. We've gotten out hopes up so many times, only to have them dashed. Once again our hopes are up and I'm terrified something will happen to cause it all to come crashing down around us.

I hope I'm not jinxing this...

Chris and I are three classes in to our foster parent training. We have three more to go (tonight and next Tues. and Thurs.) and two Saturdays. We will schedule the start of our our Homestudy on Tuesday and there is so much to do! I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all. (Especially since I sprained my ankle last week and haven't been able to do as much.) There's not a lot of update regarding the classes. They say that this week is the hardest. Tuesday's class went well, so we're hoping the same will be true for tonight. So far, I haven't really been surprised by anything we've been told. Well, except or the number of times random people will be in our home. LOTS of people coming and going. That should be interesting! I must admit, I've been a bit nervous to post about this. I worry that doing so is going to jinx it. None of my hopeful posts in the past have ever actually happened. :( I really hope this one comes true.

It's a puzzle.

Puzzle fundraiser, that is. So, what exactly is a puzzle fundraiser?

Basically, it is a cheap and easy way for you to help us achieve our dreams of becoming parents. You can buy as many pieces as you would like for $5 a piece. Your name/family's name will go on the back of a puzzle piece. The puzzle will be put together and framed. When doing so we will take care to preserve both sides of the puzzle so that either can be seen when desired. As our child grows up, we will show him/her the side with names frequently while explaining that those are the names of the people that helped bring them into our home.

So, how do you buy a piece (or more)? It's really simple. You just have to send us the money via paypal. Our paypal email is augieandchrisadopt@happylittletree.net Just make sure to let us know a name for your piece(s)!

Not the update I had planned

I was planning on posting this weekend tell you all about the little 6 year old boy we were getting. Telling you how amazed I was at the generosity of people who were helping us quickly gather all we would need for him. Telling that in a matter of WEEKS Chris and I would finally have a child in our home.

Wednesday it all came crashing down. Apparently certain people were pressuring the birthfather into it. Do me a favor. I don't care how sure you are that an adoption plan is the best thing for a child DO NOT PRESSURE THE BIRTH PARENT! All it does is lead to a lot of heartache. It's not worth it. :( I've shed a lot of tears because someone thought they were doing the right thing.

I'm so sick of getting my hopes up. I am so sick of thinking I might actually be a mom. DO NOT tell me God has "a plan." Because, honestly, it takes a fucked up mind to willing put someone through as much loss and heartache as Chris and I have been through.

Don't tell me to pray. I'm sick and tired of praying and getting no where. Hundreds of people prayed for my twins. What'd that get me? 16 staples, A LOT of pain, and two dead babies to add to my count. What's the point in praying when "he has a plan" anyway? My prayers sure aren't changing that.

I don't want a lecture or a sermon about my anger at God. If you feel the need to give one, I strongly suggest you keep it to yourself. With the way I'm feeling at the moment, it could leading to us not talking for a while. You've been warned.

What can you do? Offer support. We're going to continue in our fundraising efforts. We can't give up. If I can't be a mom, I'm not sure I want to be anything.